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I’m quite upset currently. For many reasons, it’s like I’m carrying an extreme weight all the time but it only bears down on me sometimes. Sometimes I can forget about it for a little bit but it is always there and it is always prominent, in the back of my mind or right infant of me. And right now it’s infant of me, and it’s staring at me like one of the demons from Supernatural. And i wield my invisable sword, and take a swing. Obviously nothing happens, because it’s fucking invisible, but i hold to the idea that I’m trying and perhaps getting somewhere, because that’s all there is to do. But tonights dirty silver platter is the incredibly overweighing, ridiculously enraging knowledge that I am the product of my parents biggest mistake. I am their biggest mistake. They have made mistakes, okay, so has everyone, but they really fucked up this time. They could’ve saved themselves while they still could, put me up for adoptionn,  let me die as a baby because atleast that would’ve saved me from this bullshit, ANYTHING, they could have done anything, but no, they had to let me grow up, let me experience more and let the fire infinite even higher, and for this I blame them, I will never, perhaps not even in the hereafter, forgive them for giving birth to me. It is the shittiest mistake anyone could’ve made. Sure, some of it is my fault as well, i could’ve been smart or pretty, or talented or a lovely human being that actually went somewhere in the world, but I’m not, they fucked up quite bad, I will be their biggest mistake until I cut my own cord and kill myself, and I’m sure they’ll be quite glad, despite what they say, so if they see this ever somehow..you guys fucked up. But I must also say I’m sorry for not being a lovely daughter, that’s partly my fault. But with that, I shall end this rant. You’re all lovely, so have a lovely night.  Peace and Love, Hailee.

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SilentVoices 7/1/2016 - 2:30 am

the world is just that… A big mess of messes. I am really sorry and sad that you feel the way you do right now. And I really hope that after tonight, the sun still shines through your windows.

But more than anything, I hope that somewhere in your current darkness, you find maybe even the thinnest thread of hope and motivation that will ultimately guide you to prove that what you currently feel about yourself was not entirely true: that you are not a fuck up. And even if you were, you have tomorrow, and the day after tomorrow, to prove to the world that little by little you will grow into the most fantastic person you can be.

But that will be entirely up to you. Will you let the darkness and disgusting world consume you and hold you in place? Or forge yourself a new path? Whichever road you choose to take, I wish that you still have those days where all seems right. Because a shimmer of light, even for the briefest moment, is better than complete darkness.

haileewantstobehappy 7/1/2016 - 2:39 am

i know. Thanks. I found that Id rather have someone relate to me on these things than try and help me, that seems to help a lot more ironically, i sure hope I’m not the only one, if i never get that “brightness; i will always have suicide, and that comforts me so much.

SilentVoices 7/1/2016 - 2:50 am

I understand what you mean. For me, the “help” that is given is always so scripted… I KNOW what I should be doing to “fix” myself. But the monster over your head doesn’t let you even try. That’s why I also feel better just knowing someone out there just might be able to relate. So don’t worry, I’m not here to tell you what you should do. But I’m here to lend an ear- or eyes in this case.

Brightness might not be super-shiny-golden-day bright. It may even be the little things. I found even seeing something trivial as a bird hop by when I’m in deep contemplation has lifted my mood, even if only for a brief moment. It’s moments like that, that I feel I might want to see again the next day… So for now I stick around 🙂

haileewantstobehappy 7/1/2016 - 2:59 am

good for you (: it’s nice you have reasons to live, I hope you have a lovely life

darkwillow 7/2/2016 - 4:08 am

I understand Hailee. Sometimes though, just because something is bent, it does not mean you have to throw it away.. You can bend it back possibly..

You’re the only person that understand any of my spiritual talk, I would be devastated if you were to leave.

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