Rage is what I’ve been feeling since my dad visited two weeks ago. One month without talking to me or trying to reach out. The hardest month yet. The month I started my antidepressants. The month I constantly called him, remembering that he had promised me to be there for me, even if it was 2:00 am. One night, it was 2:00 am and I was holding all of my medication in my hands. It was painful. There was a war inside my head. Trying to die is mentally painful. I called him 10 times. Voicemail every time.
I was crying, of course. I don’t hold back my sobs when I’m alone, and I had locked myself in the bedroom, pushing away Anthony, and he eventually let out his frustrations by playing online. I heard him chortling at something his friends were saying. I didn’t know why I pushed him away when I was feeling alone. At the time, I was the loneliest I had ever been. I wanted to end me. I hated myself. Pure hatred. I still have pure hatred towards myself.
I ended up leaving the bedroom. I was convinced that I would die, so I decided to leave him. Break up with him so he wouldn’t hurt too much. So he wouldn’t have to find me in the bedroom, on the bed, where we had once had our most loving moments, dead. That night, I ended up in his arms, crying for hours, nauseous with cold chills. He said he would not leave me because of those reasons. He said he’d hold on to me. I had the worst headache afterwards.
Lonely is what I’ve been feeling since then. Sadness plagued my mind. Then he visited me, and sadness turned to rage. Rage stuck in my throat. I hated everything, everything disgusted me. I treated Anthony like shit. He’d say ‘I love you’, and I didn’t believe it. Not for a second. I can’t be loved.
I cried for a week. I’ve managed to not snap at him anymore. I still push him away. I pushed him away just now. He doesn’t need me anyway. With just a few days left with each other, him having to move in with his parents again to take care of his sick brother, and he still doesn’t need me in any way. Not sexually. Not for company. Not in any way.
I feel angry tears coming on. I might die soon. I’ve been close to death several times this month. Only one person has touched my soul, known the real me. He just doesn’t need me. Is there a stronger word for ‘rage’?
How can human beings live without having their souls touch?
I’m a needy, lonely piece of crap.
Obviously what your dad did is fucked up. He said he would be there for you and then he betrayed you. Then he visits like nothing happened. It sucks but that is how some people are. Sure they say they are there for you, because that is what is expected of them. It makes them feel like good people to say it. Words are easy though, when it comes time to follow through they can’t make the effort.
Maybe that is why you are pushing your boyfriend away. You have been betrayed by the people you love so you no longer trust in love. You expect him to toss you aside the same as other people have.
I assume if you are on antidepressants that you must also be seeing a therapist. You should talk to your therapist. Also you said you only recently started taking your antidepressants. Sounds like things got worse after you started taking them. Maybe they are having a negative effect on you. Maybe you need a different dosage or a different antidepressant. That would be something else to talk to the doctor about also.
I wish I were seeing someone, but they haven’t called me to set things up. I’ve called them many times and nothing happens. It’s really discouraging. My mind is just so frazzled. It doesn’t feel like the antidepressants doing, although it very well could be. So much has happened this month that it could be anything. It could just be me. I so tired 🙁
Anything medical is such an ordeal, it is all about insurance companies and figuring out who is going to pay for it. Instead of being about getting people the care they need. Especially when you are not at your best and don’t have the energy to deal with all the bullshit. It is really too much to deal with on your own when you struggle just to get through the day. You need someone else to help fight through all the obstacles. Help you jump through all the hoops. Dealing with all that stress alone is probably making things worse for you.
Maybe your boyfriend or someone else in your family might help? See if you can find a social worker that will help you. Go back to the doctor you got your antidepressants from, see if there is something more they can do.