It’s 1AM and Bree’s outline is now done, I’ll probably shade it tomorrow. Most likely I’ll do it in graphite rather than coloured pencils. She agreed that I can post it on here when I’m finished, though I haven’t brought it up with Jeremy yet so I’m not sure about him.
The voices have been particularly bad today, which meant I rarely spoke to anyone and instead ignored them. I have to go out tomorrow, my mum said. It’ll be the first time I’ve left the house since Friday. Exactly a week.
I spent the majority of the day alone, which meant hiding behind the wall in the dining room on the floor, and not moving from that spot for hours until my mum came home. I watched some films with Bree today, since she was in a good mood. She’s been nice all day, with the exception of one 40 minutes outburst.
She sat down with me in my room about 10 minutes ago so I could get the rough outline of her face done for tomorrow. I was going to get my mum because I’m almost certain I’ll cut tonight, but, if I can hear correctly, she’s too busy with my stepdad. Ew. So I ended up drawing Bree, but now that’s done the urge to cut has come back and Bree’s not doing anything but encouraging it.
My doctor goes on holiday next week, and the week after I’m going away. So my blood test has to wait even longer. Which means no meds until at least August. Which, by that time, I’ll probably have gone to hospital. Because I’m starting to not feel safe in my own home anymore. And the hospital is the only other safe place I know of right now.
I see my therapist next Friday. But I can’t tell her how anxious I am about coping down there because she’ll tell my mum and my mum will cancel it. If she cancels it my family in London will – to put it lightly – hate me for wasting their time since they’ve had to book time off work in advance for the week I’m coming down.
So I just have to try and keep it together for another 2 weeks. Even then, I’m sure my therapist is away for the week I first come home. And I’m not so sure I can convince my mum how I need to get away from home and go to my safe place without my therapist to support me. This post is probably all over the place. I can’t concentrate properly, but I wanted to write something down to I cloud some of my mind.