Well I think I may be coming down now…. I was pre hyper and wound up the last week and a half or so…. somewhat due to many different reasons…. (one of them probably being pokemon go (which I hate admitting)) But today I kind of felt pre bad…. Kind of wanted to hurt myself quite badly today, I still do…. I guess I’m getting better though, as I have an xacto knife right next to me and still haven’t cut myself…. I just spent the last couple hours playing with it too, gently scratching myself with it, and still no cuts…. I kind of would feel bad about it though, as my friend asked me very kindly not to cut myself today…. So that is probably why nothing has happened…. but I have no idea what’s wrong, I kind of want to cry, but as always I am unable to cry…. Met some new people this week, started talking to one of them quite a bit…. I get annoyed at how easily I attach to people, I know that this will not last as I will probably start ignoring them soon enough I ruin everything…. I really should just kill myself.
It’s actually really sad that some of the reason why I’m feeling worse now is because my friend has a girlfriend now (again). It’s really horrible that that makes me very upset, I should be happy about it right? But no, instead I choose to be jealous, he’s going to be spending less time with me I know that. It always happens, whenever he has a girlfriend he simply stops seeing me as often, sometimes not even every week. Once he mostly ignored me for about a month (he technically say me everyday during that (at school) but didn’t spend time with me though) and he already has told me so many times that I can’t be his girlfriend because I’m not a girl, and has also stated that he wouldn’t be okay with it if I became one (which I kind of want to do anyway, but there is a decent chance he may actually stop being my friend if I do) so basically I will probably have to get used to him dating other people and being moved down to being one of his secondary people, while he remains as one of my (two) primary people (and the only one that I actually am able to see and talk to on a regular basis) I really do wish I wasn’t born male sometimes…. However I’m certain I wouldn’t be happy if I wasn’t born male either…. Grrrr I also kind of don’t think I even want a romantic relationship with him anyway, but I would try if it meant spending more time with him…. I don’t really think I would ever be comfortable with a romantic relationship, as I really don’t like hugging or very intimate cuddling (the most I am comfortable with is shoulder touching (it feels safe, but not too close)) anything that involves torsos touching is uncomfortable for some reason…. I doubt kissing would fair much better (probably would dislike that much more, it just seems disgusting in everyway, I don’t even let my family kiss me on the face, I doubt I would allow intimate kissing to occur (I believe that normally occurs on mouth))…. Ummmmm what else do romantic relationships normally involve? Hand holding I guess…. I don’t know how I would feel about that, never really have done much hand holding (apart from handshakes) but I assume it would be kind of weird and uncomfortable too though…. Maybe the most uncomfortable of all the things, as it seems like the most interactive of all the cuddles, so more places to mess up…. That makes it stressful, and probably just due to the interactiveness you probably feel even closer to the person, and that would probably overwhelm me. I know I really dislike handshakes, just due to being able to feel every little movement they make and what has you, and it feels just far too close…. Can’t think of anything else that I would be uncomfortable with from a romantic relationship, those are all things that most people probably expect out of one though…. And yes of course that eliminates my chances for being able to have a sexual relationship, which normally is also expected out of a romantic relationship (but doesn’t need to be part of one) so yeah…. Probably never going to happen…. Yet I really kind of crave a romantic relationship because I would be the primary person of a person then ^_^ that probably is nice…. I am always excited to spend time with certain people, and I can’t imagine what it would be like if I didn’t always feel like their secondary focus when doing such (normally my friend tends to text others and what has you while spending time with me (not a little either, but constantly) and it bothers me…. but I know he doesn’t do that when he is on dates and stuffs.) I can’t actually imagine what it would be like to have somebody who wants to spend time with me as much as I do with them (while also being somebody I want to spend a lot of time with…. technically people that I don’t want to be around at all also don’t want to be around me, so yes we do both want to spend the same amount of time with eachother…. but you know what I meant…. like I want a person who I want to spend time with (who I’m close to and care about) also want to spend just as much time with me (and hopefully care about me and be close to me, but I can’t be too picky here)) But I doubt it will ever probably happen, and I’m not even sure if that’s what a romantic relationship would entail…. But I feel like trying to accomplish that with a friendship will never work either (the closest I have come so far isn’t even close :/ ) But I will never be involved in a romantic relationship though for many reasons….
(decided to start a new paragraph)
There are just so many reasons…. Like I really don’t want to destroy any friendships that I have (since I don’t have enough) and I know “dating” anybody does greatly risk the friendship that one holds with them…. As I’ve never seen people date before and then be friends afterwards…. they normally hate eachother I don’t want that…. So I made a rule with myself that I would never date anybody who is a friend…. but they are the only ones that I have any form of interest in trying to date…. Also I know that forming that form of relationship with somebody that one of your friends has interest in can ruin the friendship there, so I’ve also formed a personal rule to not date anybody that a friend of mine has interest in…. So of course what happens is that any body I meet I eventually try to introduce to the people I know, and then normally they end up dating each other and then they hate each other and then I have to get rid of one of them as a friend…. (I do have more than 2 friends on some occasions believe it or not) But yeah that’s happened so very often…. And since I tend to develop this sort of interest towards anybody who is my friend normally I have that sort of interest in both of them when they date each other, which is so much worse than when they date people that I don’t know…. I’m so very awkward, and this sort of thing is always something I think more about when one of my friends is dating a person…. probably just due to jealousy in so many different ways…. Jealous of the amount of time that ***** is spending with my person, jealous of not having a relationship like that, jealous of not being able to be okay with all the things that they are okay with, jealous of both of them smiling and being so happy I just want them to be miserable like I am, or I just want to be happy like they are…. either one of those are okay with me (I’m a horrible person)
enough rambling now…. Things got me thinking about these sorts of things for the past week or so, and I can’t remember the other things that are upsetting me right now as I talked about these ones which pushed those ones to the back of my mind…. it’s annoying not being able to remember what you’re upset about but still being upset…. upset isn’t the right word sad is probably better but still not right…. I wish I had the words to explain things better, is why I use a lot of words as I just don’t have effective ones to describe how I feel…. :/ I will be surprised if I make it threw this month without cutting myself…. I think I didn’t cut myself last time, but I don’t know…. as I stopped marking it on my calendar when I did as my counselor told me that it probably wasn’t a good idea for me to keep track of…. and my sense of time is never good, I can barely place my memories of yesterday…. Like I remember pre much everything I have ever done before my memory is great like that, but I can’t place them in order very well, they all feel equally long ago to me, even probably some from yesterday…. I tend to be a bit better at placing them for a few days, but then they start to feel just like all the others, so I really have no idea when the last time I cut myself was, I just know which time was the last time (due to the scars that were present at the time) I’m able to picture each time fairly vividly (not perfectly accurate as I am human and memory is always imperfect…. but probably mostly accurate) but I have no idea like what dates they were on, or even how long ago…. I can normally put them in their proper order at least (is one of the few things I can do that with) but can’t place them in relation to eachother…. argh and rambling again about things nobody cares about…. I’m sorry
7 comments
I didn’t read it all, tbh, I have a headache. But from what I’ve read of this post, and your others, you sound absolutely adorable. And if I were your age, I would want to be your girlfriend. I would give you so much love and care (although that would probably make you uncomfortable) that you would forget all about wanting to hurt yourself or worry that your friend isn’t around as much. Yeah, I attach easily too. All the lost souls and the broken people really get me. This is probably inappropriate. Oh God, should I press “Post Comment”? What the hell…
*doesn’t know how to respond to this* -_-
if we were the same age and knew eachother IRL and what has you, I doubt it would ever happen anyway, as really just me actually getting to know somebody is pre rare because I’m a bit on the shy side, so you would also know my closest friend too (probably would have even met me because of him) and then you’d probably end up being his girlfriend (he is the better option) :/
Although in all honesty you are right, there probably are actually some people who would be interested in a romantic relationship with me, but unless they make a move first I will never know…. (as I will never approach somebody like that) and then I probably would never speak to them again as they would most likely scare me quite a bit…. -_- fml LOL
Also I’m sorry to hear that you has a headache, I do hope it manages to go away soon :/
Tried to sleep but couldn’t.
I just recently broke up with a guy. Not because he was quiet and shy (exactly like you), but because I felt unworthy. I told him I wasn’t what he needed. He didn’t need this and he didn’t need that. He tried to make me reconsider. Now I’m crying because I miss him. Ah, I just push everyone away.
Thank you re the headache. That’s sweet of you. I plan to take just a lil more sleeping meds than usual because I’ve barely slept the past three nights and really just want to escape out of this world for awhile.
And now he has changed his name to something meaningless on FB which just breaks my heart because it’s like another little piece of him is gone 🙁
That’s kind of sad :/
also i hope that you did manage to sleep well…. I finally managed to fall asleep (and just woke up now) and it was actually a kind of nice sleep but really weird though…. Like I had somebody as a sister that isn’t my sister, and they ended up beating me into a coma, and then when I finally became aware again I wouldn’t believe anybody that I was unconscious for more than a few hours (and just thought the past events were a dream, and was slightly concerned that everyone was aware of what I dreamed about….) And it really didn’t help because nobody else my family would talk about it at all, and I couldn’t remember what day yesterday was, but I felt like it being the 11th month was wrong…. I was pre happy to wake up from that dream…. I hate how real my dreams feel….
But I did learn that if I ever had a friend who wasn’t conscious for at least a few months that I probably shouldn’t mess with them as they probably are going to be very confused.
Errr, well that’s good you learned a lesson from that very traumatic dream!
Ive been left so many times… it hurts just as much each time. I don’t know if I’m the one driving them away or they’re simply not the one for me… i do everything I can to make them happy but it’s never enough… i don’t understand what I’m doing wrong… just about out if money so may not be around much longer to find out