Does any one use heroin and feel like they finally don’t want to kill them self? I do. When I get clean from it and I’m sober, I want to die again. What’s the point of me getting sober if I still want to die? Why not just keep using heroin and running from my suicidal and self destructive tendencies? At least that way I’m still alive for the selfish fucks that insist I don’t kill my self. But they’re not happy enough that I’m still alive, they don’t want me on heroin. But they don’t understand, the heroin preserves my life. I’m alive because I use heroin. With out it, I’d have killed my self already.
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Good idea. Keep using heroin, and you won’t have to kill yourself. It’ll do it for you.
That’s basically what I think about it too. It’s really only prolonging how soon it will happen. Also, people will probably think it was an “accident” even though it most likely won’t be. But is it “bad” that I’d rather have people think that I died on purpose, that I killed my self rather than having people think that a drug killed me?
No, I think that’s a perfectly normal thing to want. If I were in your position at least, that’s what I would want too. People tend to look down on people who die on accident by drug overdose. Even at my stepdad’s funeral, that’s how it was. You could feel it in the air. If he had killed himself, there still would’ve been an air of judgment, but it would be very…different. I don’t quite know how to verbalize it, but I’m sure you know what I mean.
I’m not advising you to do either, though, to make that clear.
I understand what you’re saying. It makes complete sense to me. Over all though, I just want them to know that it’s what I wanted in the end, that it wasn’t an accident either. I want them all to understand that I did this to my self.
Oh whiskered-fish you ignorant festering arrogant shit. Addiction is pretty complicated, and it fuels a pretty sick logic.
I’ve been addicted to pretty much everything, so I get where you’re coming from. If you wanna talk send me an e-mail at comedy @ tatunota.com. If you don’t have the motivation to e-mail me I’ve got one bit of advice, you really have to want to quit, and until that time you’re probably going to be pretty miserable.
I don’t see how I’m either arrogant or ignorant. I had no intention of insulting the OP, I was merely stating a fact. Heroin will kill you. It’s killed people among my friends and family, and I know that addiction is complicated. But the problem is never solved by coddling people. Honesty is the best way to deal with it.
Try not to be so defensive.
You know I read your response incorrectly. Just ignore my existence seriously.
I didn’t know that, actually. But that explains a lot. Don’t worry about it.
Lol yea, I am a top shelf moron at best most days, most everyone is aware of that I feel like.
Top shelf moron < shitty plastic bottle bottom shelf liquor from Wal-Mart.
Shitty plastic bottle bottom shelf liquor from Wal-Mart = top shelf moron who can't stand him self and is in a constant state of self pity.
Top shelf moron = your local loud mouth who annoys everyone in the check out line at Wal-Mart.
That’s the thing, I want to quit but when I get off the shit I just get really depressed and start feeling suicidal again. I understand that there’s a chemical imbalance in my brain after quitting a drug that my body and brain had been reliant on. I know what it does to me fully, don’t think I’m uneducated on the subject at all. I’m very aware of what doing a drug does and what quitting a drug does to me. Over all, I ultimately can not get over the fact that I want to kill my self whether I’m not using drugs, or whether I am using drugs. I think about, and contemplate it either way. It’s like, “What do you want? To keep using and die from it(which is something I am pretty comfortable with), or to quit using and kill my self because I’m not satisfied with the life I’ve been given?”
@ Shootmeup While we are on the subject of neuron and receptor degeneration it’s relevant to consider the subject of neuroplasticity and neurogenesis.
As you are aware an oversupply of certain neurotransmitters causes degeneration of receptors over time with the result being that to experience the same affect an increase of the opioid agonist is required. By continuing this cycle the degeneration increases, which leads to an increased dose and so on, perpetuating the neurotransmitter imbalance and the time it takes to return to normal through neuron and receptor regeneration.
So there is definitely a biological element although I think the psychological factors should not be underestimated especially if our perception for baseline mood is altered and we become aware of how (through chemical inducement) it is possible to feel and think that it is normal.
While not advocating drug use I think each person can make their own choice on merit and I’m fine with that. I’m fairly open minded on most topics. I think part of making an informed decision is being aware of the potential repercussions including short and long tem side effects.
There are many coping mechanisms available, you have found a very destructive one. The risk with this stop gap is that it may lengthen the time necessary that it takes to address the real issues, prolonging misery.
The psychological factors, in my book, are definitely not being underestimated. I am educated in these subjects, I understand my own brain and how it works chemically and psychologically. I am very well aware what it is I am doing to my self inside and out, as well as the long-term and short-term effects and side effects. Coping mechanisms come in many different forms and are more or less “suitable” so-to-speak for one person as to another. What I am doing I wouldn’t necessarily call a coping mechanism though, and that’s because I’m not trying to cope and get through or over something, it’s more like running from it. Prolonging. I’m basically waiting it out as comfortably as I can, until I can either come to terms with living a miserable life, or finally cut the ties and burn the bridges that I need to so that I can die and have the people I’m leaving behind not care so much about me, so that they don’t have to be as mad or disappointed about it(I think it’s rather kind of me to want to make sure that people don’t care about me before I die). So that when I leave, those that are here that “cared” before won’t have to be so disappointed that I’m gone. Though I’m sure it doesn’t work that way. Once you die everyone suddenly loved you so much and wants to pretend they knew you so well and that they were such great friends with you. I just want to try to make sure that doesn’t happen.
Emotion is part of separation for many regardless of the cause. How is it kind to alienate someone who cares for you now and risk them being hurt twice? I question who will benefit the most from distancing yourself from people that no doubt want you to change aspects of your life.
I’m not familiar with all your push pull factors for addiction, my comment mostly pertained to neurological degeneration and ability for subsequent regeneration.
Just because something is potentially lethal isn’t a good reason *not* to do it. Being born results In death, so what’s the point in going through life afraid of everything that could kill you? You might live longer if you abstain from risky behaviors, or you might not.
Alcoholics can get by, but drug addicts are usually shunned by society and often end up homeless with no family or friends who care. Just saying.
(Not a good idea to encourage them.)
It’s not encouraging me at all. Everything I do in my life is one hundred percent my decision and there’s nothing anyone can do to influence my decisions regardless of what they say or do and how I respond to it.
Drug addiction is one of those things which operates outside of the opinions of others. Junkies don’t respond to encouragement to get high or support to stay clean if they’re not really ready to get clean.
Seems to me that the family members of a drug addict are typically on board and supportive in their own misguided ways at least the first few times the addict gets clean.
The content the OP put forth is a perfect example of how addicts will think themselves into a relapse regardless of what anyone says. “I can’t enjoy life without drugs, therefore I will use drugs to give me enjoyment.” Change doesn’t come to most until the individual reaches their threshold for change. Prison for some, close call with prison for others, some get their children taken, some die of overdose, some use until their organs fail, some simply grow out of it, some just have their will broken to point of surrender.
To the OP, yes that’s honestly probably the only thing that’s kept me going the past 9 years. Like I said above I’ve been addicted to pretty much everything, but heroin was my “first love” so to speak. I’ve had up to a gram or more a day habits a couple different times now. IDK man, it got to the point that this year alone I should have gotten 2 DUI’s, 2 deaths, 1 more arrest, and I should have been fired from an extremely well paying job as well. It’s the first time in 9 years where I am sitting back and saying, FFS man using drugs doesn’t make life better anymore, it literally just makes everything worse in the long run. Saying “fuck it all” and getting high is becoming harder and harder.
Oh yea, 3 ER visits (broken wrist, sprained both feet, stitches in my back, stitches in my chin), I also accidentally did a bad IM (inter-muscular) shot of a miscellaneous (I knew what the substance was and I’ve shot it there before.) substance into the nerve of my thigh, and now when I touch that area the left side of my leg, from the middle of the thigh down to my lower calf, goes numb.
I get what you’re saying about how using drugs wasn’t making life better anymore. That’s basically what I’m doing right now, using heroin so that I can feel like maybe I don’t want to die for once. Not to mention how I had pretty bad insomnia before I started using as well. So on top of making me feel like life is worth living, it also helped me sleep, and I loved that so much. Not being able to sleep for days at a time is really stressful. Now that I’ve gotten this far into my addiction though, when I don’t have heroin I get extremely depressed and my insomnia is worse than ever before. So quitting the drug is really fucking shitty for me, even after the initial sickness that comes with the withdrawal. The long-term depression and sleeplessness really wears me down, and makes me contemplate even more how I don’t want to live anymore. Life with an extreme case of depression and going days at a time with out sleep is very very uncomfortable. And when I do get some sleep it’s usually only four hours at the most after about three days with out. So it’s hard to want to keep pushing to find out if things will get better, especially when I know that the insomnia and depression won’t go away any time soon no matter what I try and how hard I try. It’s a constant struggle with trying to get and stay comfortable with my mind and body. So a lot of times I feel like dying is the best answer. The only way to finally be at peace with my mind and body. Shit, from a spiritual point of view, death really is the ultimate state of peace between the mind, body, and soul.
I feel you, things will change eventually, they’ve started doing that for me recently.