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Here I am once again…

by falling_soup

I am suicidal, that word.. “suicidal” was hard to type for me just now yet alone think about. I feel numb and sick to my stomach with sadness, I try to block out my feelings as much as possible but they always seem to creep back up on me and hit me like a ton of bricks. I have been here so many times before. I have been fighting for years and can’t fight anymore. I always will say that I am done and then I attempt and someone saves me, no one can save me now. no one. the panic attack is starting and the tears will fall. I don’t think I’m ever going to be okay again, I am falling and breaking. I am done done done done. The emotional intensity I am feeling, the tears, the heart ache, the pain and the suffering is all very too much. I know this feeling all to well and here I am, depressed and suicidal, I am afraid, I want to be able to stop the suffering, stop the pain and the emotions, stop this all.. I can’t live anymore..

my feelings are all bundled up and mixed up. I can’t keep doing this, I feel at peace with leaving. I don’t feel unsettled at all, I feel like its going to be okay when I leave, that a big burden will lift off of everyones shoulders and I can be not unhappy anymore, I don’t want people wanting me here anymore , its selfish, I am suffering and I need to be free, I don’t need the emotional traumas anymore. I am sick of the suffering. I simply can not be doing this anymore. if one person could “save me” it would be my boyfriend to be here or to call me and just talk to me.. I need him so much. I don’t ever want to leave him but I think that me killing myself is the best for the both of us. sounds insane but I think he will be much happier knowing  that I am happier and in a better place. I want to be with my dad in spirt, I want to be able to tell him how much I love him and that I missed him, I want to be able to hug him, I want to watch over my boyfriend and love him from the clouds, I want to watch over any best friend and watch him become an amazing chef. I want to see my family carry on their lives with out me.

 

As I sit here and cry and cry I seem to be having a hard time grasping me actually leaving, I want this more than anything but there is this small part of me that wants to be able to get through this, I want too save money and be with my boyfriend over my breaks from school and hold him close.. I want to be able to show him that he has saved me.. he has helped me become a better person and happier, but a large part of me just feels like this battle I am fighting is being won over by the mental illness, I am struggling every day to grasp the fact that I want to take my own life and whomever finds me is going to be horrified, I can’t just heartbreak my family but here I am, feeling like this is the end for me. I want to kill myself and make sure it happens, my life does not seem like it means much, I mean who would show up at my funeral? and who would cry for me? Why I ask those questions I am not entirely sure, I just need to feel like my death is not a big deal and people can move on from whatever emotional pain they feel because I left.

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Oathkeeper 9/1/2016 - 2:13 am

If you ever need someone to talk with, feel free to email me, whenever. snakelogan07@yahoo.com

I have read your posts, and I can see the pain coming from your words. I hope you can find a reason to stay…

SadPotato 9/1/2016 - 6:24 am

To be honest, the amount of people showing up st your funeral means jack-shit. At the end, the only thing that’s important is if you’re satisfied and that the regrets/what ifs aren’t too many. It’s good to hear that you’ve got such a loving relationship with you boyfriend. However, be careful. You’re placing too much “pressure” on him, by seeing him as the thing that’s saving you. As I think you’re realising/realised, you can only save yourself. Others can help, as I’m sure your boyfriend is doing, but not do it for you. O and I assure you, you killing yourself will most likely stay with your boyfriend forever. He’ll experience guilt, and a whole range of soul crushing emotions, even though you obviously don’t intend that. Thinking that you’re in a happy place, would be a hollow consolation. I’m guessing you’re still very young, considering you mentioning school. So you have the time to explore and find your drive in life, the things you want to do. We can’t consciously grapple with suicide, that only keeps it in our minds. We need to move forward to a point, where we think of living, and all that entails, rather than falling back on the thought of exiting this life. Focus on the positives.

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