I am suicidal, that word.. “suicidal” was hard to type for me just now yet alone think about. I feel numb and sick to my stomach with sadness, I try to block out my feelings as much as possible but they always seem to creep back up on me and hit me like a ton of bricks. I have been here so many times before. I have been fighting for years and can’t fight anymore. I always will say that I am done and then I attempt and someone saves me, no one can save me now. no one. the panic attack is starting and the tears will fall. I don’t think I’m ever going to be okay again, I am falling and breaking. I am done done done done. The emotional intensity I am feeling, the tears, the heart ache, the pain and the suffering is all very too much. I know this feeling all to well and here I am, depressed and suicidal, I am afraid, I want to be able to stop the suffering, stop the pain and the emotions, stop this all.. I can’t live anymore..
my feelings are all bundled up and mixed up. I can’t keep doing this, I feel at peace with leaving. I don’t feel unsettled at all, I feel like its going to be okay when I leave, that a big burden will lift off of everyones shoulders and I can be not unhappy anymore, I don’t want people wanting me here anymore , its selfish, I am suffering and I need to be free, I don’t need the emotional traumas anymore. I am sick of the suffering. I simply can not be doing this anymore. if one person could “save me” it would be my boyfriend to be here or to call me and just talk to me.. I need him so much. I don’t ever want to leave him but I think that me killing myself is the best for the both of us. sounds insane but I think he will be much happier knowing that I am happier and in a better place. I want to be with my dad in spirt, I want to be able to tell him how much I love him and that I missed him, I want to be able to hug him, I want to watch over my boyfriend and love him from the clouds, I want to watch over any best friend and watch him become an amazing chef. I want to see my family carry on their lives with out me.
As I sit here and cry and cry I seem to be having a hard time grasping me actually leaving, I want this more than anything but there is this small part of me that wants to be able to get through this, I want too save money and be with my boyfriend over my breaks from school and hold him close.. I want to be able to show him that he has saved me.. he has helped me become a better person and happier, but a large part of me just feels like this battle I am fighting is being won over by the mental illness, I am struggling every day to grasp the fact that I want to take my own life and whomever finds me is going to be horrified, I can’t just heartbreak my family but here I am, feeling like this is the end for me. I want to kill myself and make sure it happens, my life does not seem like it means much, I mean who would show up at my funeral? and who would cry for me? Why I ask those questions I am not entirely sure, I just need to feel like my death is not a big deal and people can move on from whatever emotional pain they feel because I left.