I just kind of wanted to talk

I don’t know why, my day was fairly good…. sure a few stressful things, but nothing too bad…. I still feel like I want to cry though, eventhough I spent time with my closest friend today (we wen’t for a walk and played pokemon go and what has you) which was nice…. I also went on yet another obsessively long walk after that (in the evening) and ran into one of my fathers friends, it was a bit unsettling however they seemed to just think I was going for a walk/run, they didn’t stay long…. Which was good…. I got back after dark (yet before the sign the park/parks were closed so I was probably okay) Also went to a restaurant, and had food and after our walk had some milk shakes, that drained most of the money I had left, and also spent like $10 on pokemon go (not a lot I know but still maybe shouldn’t have) so now I have like $23 left total, which I guess isn’t terrible…. I used almost an entire tank of gas this week, leaving the house and going walking everyday is going to get expensive when it comes to gas, meaning I will probably have to start eating less which sucks since I should really be starting to eat more (I did kind of go a few days without eating and very little sleep though, was the first few days on pokemon go which is normal when I start playing a game…. I will slow down eventually) I’m worried about school stuff though, I plan to start that on Monday, but will I really? It’s so easy to just keep pushing things back further and further…. I hate doing things that are productive, somehow I always feel even more worthless and useless while doing the things I’m supposed to…. Which always causes me to be over critical of any form of mistake or misstep I make, which leads to me normally quite angry at myself, eventually leading to me curled up on the floor bleeding. So I really don’t want to do these things…. even though they are things that apparently I am quite good at :/ I still don’t want to, I know I won’t do them right….

Also it’s kind of weird that here I mention pre openly that I feel worthless and useless, those are my two favourite words for describing myself, and words that I even have scared into my body from when I carved them into myself…. Worthless is still quite visible and barely covered with scars (due to where it is, I ran out of open space in my normal spot on that arm at that time so had to go along the actual side (where the bone protrudes which was hard as that bone moves when pushed against which caused the blade to slip so many times) and it runs up a decent chunk of my right arm…. not exactly the most legible writing (is that the right word for this sort of thing?) many probably wouldn’t be able to read it unless pointed out to them (somewhat because the whole word isn’t visible at some angles, and also due to the legibility) but I can still read it quite well and it’s quite clear to me, I see it everyday (as the first half of the word is on the inside of the arm, and the second half crawled onto the top of my arm (moves down (or up) my arm (like starting closer to hand and ending closer to shoulder)) It does have one rather large scar running threw it, where I kind of got annoyed and cut across it (sort of trying to cross it out, I wanted it to go away at the time) but still doesn’t make it less noticeable….  That arm also has the word “fag” carve into the bicep (which is very noticeable and legible) (short words are easier) useless is on my left arm, and put on top of it, it is covered with so many scars (most running width-wise across my arm (like from side to side, not up and down)) but I can still notice it and mostly read it, although it is much harder than it used to be…. it was actually very legible when it was fresh one of the most legible words I carved into myself…. the word “failure” was carved into the underside of the left arm (at the same time as “useless” and “worthless” were put in their spots) and that one other people could probably still read…. that one runs up my arm (or down (starting closer to shoulder and ending closer to hand)) and is underlined with a long cut that I also made at that time…. Now it is lightly covered with other scars (I don’t cut the undersides of my arm too much, only when very upset with myself…. it feels so much different, and is mostly only something I do when I want it to be that much more personal but can’t build up the courage to do something to my face) and also on that arm on the bicep I have the word “loser” cut into it which also happens to be underlined (because the word too an odd number of cuts if I remember right which may be why “failure” got underlined too…. but I don’t really want to count how many cuts it would take to make the words, it would only make me want to do it again somewhere else, you guys can do that if you please) Welp those are all the words I have carved into my arms…. really not that many only 5 well I guess my right arm also had a “loser” on the top side too (from so much longer ago, was the first word I ever carved into my skin, that was like 2 or 3 years ago now) and well I can’t even find that anymore because the top side of my right arm is quite horribly scarred, it kind of even feels leathery now, is really weird…. It’s so scared up that it actually is a different color overall then the rest of my body and actually from far away probably just looks like a really light patch of skin (with a bit of red in it) it’s really quite bad, all the scars kind of blend together there into just something awful…. welp I think this is the first time I ever shared information about carving words into myself before…. It felt kind of nice to talk about, I didn’t intend to bring this up in this post, but whatever….

I kind of actually want to be able to show my arms in public one day though, so I guess talking about my scars is a good first step, although I kind of know I will never be accepted by general society once they see the scars that cover me, they just are not okay…. Self harm is not okay and it never will be, I am not a decent thing, I don’t deserve to be treating like a living creature. But still I am getting kind of tired of having to cover all of my body every day constantly (even when home, incase my father decides to barge in at a random time) it’s uncomfortable and it gets really annoying in hot weather (which in a dessert hot weather gets really hot) I would at least like to be comfortable with my father seeing so I could at least wear a teashirt around the house (instead of a somewhat baggy long sleeve shirt that I’ve slept in for several years (ever since I started cutting myself on the arms (which was when I was like maybe 16 or so, at least when it started to the point where I had to cover them when I did it)))

Well anyway, I hope everyone is having a good day…. I am probably going to bed soon, I am tired and I actually have a busy day tomorrow, although worried about how things will go I’m guessing they will go poorly, and they most likely will go poorly…. but I kind of hope that they go well…