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I’m not sure what to do.

by Your future friend

So,this is my first post,and I hope it will be the last. My dad is in terrible shape. He smokes,he’s admittedly very overweight,he has a bad back and a bad heart,and it’s a true and terrifying thought that he could drop dead at any moment,and he’ll leave me forever. I can’t stand what he does to himself,it’s as is he wants to die and leave me and my brother and sister. I never want to leave his side because I’m afraid something will happen and I won’t be there to help him. Every morning I get to wake up every morning to him waking me up for school,and I become so relieved for the first five seconds that I haven’t  lost him yet,but then I realize that he could have a heart attack during his 12-hour shift, or go into cardiac arrest in the hallway,or he could trip and hit his head and never wake up. It’s all these uncertainties that could become truths at any point,and I just have no way to stop him from breaking himself,or a way to keep myself from feeling like this.It drives me insane,knowing that I may have to bury my own father,and go into the world without him to show me how. I  have honestly considered killing myself so I Won’t have to see this come true. But I can’t. Because he taught me to well. He taught me to find a solution and to be a good person. And if I killed myself, then I would not only cause drama and a scene,but I’d put to much strain on him, and I’d be a disappointment to him. I have nowhere left to turn.

Please, someone help me.

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mattr 8/25/2016 - 5:30 am

I am just another person, we all are on here. we do not know each other, yet we are reminded that we are not alone in this world.
We will read, if you wish to write…..
please continue to write until you feel numb….I will stay until you are done, exhausted and find sleep…

mattr 8/25/2016 - 5:46 am

My thoughts stay with you as I get on with my day, I will check back in and reply later.

anhedonic apathy 8/25/2016 - 10:18 am

Have you told your father how you feel about his health issues? How much of an effect it has on you? Have you asked him to try and cut down on his smoking, or quit altogether? Maybe ask him to eat healthier and exercise to lose weight?

idm 8/25/2016 - 5:23 pm

This is something a friend told me awhile back.
“When someone worries all the time about you doesn’t it begin to feel like you are responsible for their feelings? Like their worry is an extra weight on your shoulders? ”
and, it kinda does..
Living in constant fear of the worst can take away any enjoyment you get from being around a person, because you’re so wrapped up in that worry.
The truth is, anything can happen. And as you’ve noted, there’s not often much you personally can do about it.
So you have to learn to let go. It’s something I have trouble with at times.. but it’s healthier for anyone involved.
best way? focus on other things, schoolwork, what you enjoy, any friends, even if that worry keeps popping up. we aren’t the ones in control. Tell your dad you love him, show him that you care, spend time with him, and maybe even follow anhedonic’s advice. But ultimately you need to recognise that regardless, what’s going to happen is out of your hands, and know that what’s happening now is more important than any terrible what-if. He’s here, and that matters more. I’m sure he wouldn’t want you obsessing to the point where you can’t enjoy anything in life, most people who care don’t wish that for others. Have a little faith that he can take care of himself, even if he’s not the healthiest right now. Easier said than done, but it’s all i’ve got.

Mnt 8/25/2016 - 7:24 pm

Be mindful that this seems like a codependent relationship and a dependency group can help heal and understand each other with your dilemma. Join please a codependent support group in your town .good luck.

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