imagining my way through life

I posted a few days ago that I had a good day.  I was naturally connected to life.  There have been some ups and down since then and at the moment I’m feeling disconnected.  I feel disconnected from my feelings and that leaves me in a very difficult situation where I have to imagine my way through life essentially having to make decisions based on projections and try not to cause any trouble because this is enough already.  It is very difficult and I hate feeling like this.  At times I have been very angry with a God that I pray to as this seems to be God’s domain.  It”s obviously very hard to understand how at times I do experience good feelings.  I look at this from a physiological perspective, certainly there is some miscommunication going on between my brain and my body.  It’s like some Siamese twin of mental and physical dysfunction that makes life seem incredibly difficult.  Brain injury and mental illness.  I also contemplate the infinite, what does this all mean?  I’d like there to be redemption in this lifetime, but that’s not guaranteed but I’d like to believe that it’s guaranteed at some point, but what I’m I supposed to do then in this lifetime?  I try to be a good person, but this feeling of living in a vacuum stretches me beyond my limits and at times seems to cause small injuries that might end my life or at very least diminish my quality of life and thus kill me in a spiritual sense.  Who else lives in this world?  Will I somehow escape it?  What was the value of this experience if I believe that I could have been more valuable healthy?