Two years ago I tried to kill myself. I had been in therapy for over a year before that and it did not help. After a hellish week in the hospital, a 10 day outpatient program and 3 months of twice weekly outpatient and continued therapy (still going) things were “better”.
But they weren’t. I have put on a facade for so long that I don’t even know who I am anymore. After my attempt I promised my kitty I would stay here for him. He died July 6th. I was in a newish relationship with someone who I really liked, and he could not handle my grief. Yeah. I did dumb things and came off as a desperate clingy person, and he told me I was an unbalanced psycho and to never contact him again.
I loved him the jerk, and my cat was all I had. I am truly alone. I know I did dumb things and told him my past (depression, suicide, medication etc..). I tried again a few weeks ago, and failed – 90 seconds and I would have been gone. I wish I had not stopped it . I told him that (for a very different reason). Did I screw up, yeah. But ghosting me and screwing around on me because I was too needy after my companion of 14 years died just about killed me. Everything he said was a lie.
From the outside looking in, people see a successful person, I get to travel, I own a home, am relatively good looking etc… The truth – I am nothing. I am tired. I am tired of trying to be happy and change for the better to only be left when I have a relapse and be rejected by the first person I have loved in years. I am an empty shell – I don’t leave my house for days, I don’t eat, and am losing my job Tuesday because of my decline. I laugh when I get asked if I have a safety plan – they don’t work. If you call a suicide line here, they call the cops and you get dragged out of your house in handcuffs like a criminal.
I have told my friends I am done. They don’t know what to say or how to react. I gave my gun to someone, but I have to go. I have another way. I know it is selfish, I know that compared to so many others in the world I am lucky. But I am tired of the fight, tired of the rejection and being alone, tired of not having my little man to love and tired of being a burden to everyone.
Do I write everyone an email? Even the ex, or just a quick see ya to all? I don’t even know. It is not about him, but I was on a thin edge and it pushed me over.
My life is nothing. I am nothing. In a month, nobody will even remember who I am. I am 43, alone and have dealt with this for years. My last reason to hold on is gone…..I kept my promise to my Bowie and have tried for 7 weeks to get over him; having support of the douche would have helped, but instead I was rejected for being so upset over a cat.
I failed – again. Yet another thing to fail at. The ex apparently has talked to one of my friends, but refuses to reach out to me. I am not worth it – I was so honest, and all he did was lie.
I got diagnosed with BPD – new med, and I don’t even care. This time, no note, no email, no warning. Either drink a containter of antifreeze and die slowly or hang myself. I have to make it work this time….
3 comments
Welp, I vote you stick around. Getting over the death of a pet is harsh, but given time things return to some sort of normalcy. You should maybe consider getting a kitten, I know I know, you’ve already heard this suggestion, but seriously consider it. It’s uplifting, I got a kitten last month, it’s been wonderful.
Sorry about the boyfriend, most people aren’t equipped to handle “our kind”. It’s a pretty overwhelming load to shoulder, and I’ve experienced similar things before (more so with friends, and their inability to really empathize with your struggle.). If it’s any consolation I’ve also found that having someone who can kinda commiserate with you can also be a hindrance.
What do you hope to gain by telling others goodbye (through e-mail or whatever avenue you decide upon)? What makes you feel you’re a burden to everyone if you come off as perfectly normal?
It has been suggested a lot to get another pet. I can’t – Bo was the last of my three kitties and he was my fuzzy soul mate. I can never replace that,
I just sent a generic timed email for tomorrow AM. Have already started on the pills and when they kick in the plastic bag goes over my head. In three months I will be completely forgotten……I think my life purpose was to save animals – 150+ including my Bowie. I just hope I don’t go to hell.
And I failed, just like I fail at evertything else. I really wish I had not give my gut to someone…..Maybe tonite it will work. Thanks goodness for small miracles that the email i timed to send did not go out.