Im sick of living. Iv never felt loved/happy in my 22 years of life. I cant name anything good about myself fat.ugly.stupid.lazy.drunk and lonely virgin. The first thought i had toady and most days when i wake up is i realy want to cut. Iv been cutting since i was 15 and now im covered in 1000s of very noticeable scars. Im also an binge drinking alcoholic and get pass out drunk at least 5 times a week. The whiskey numbs my depression and anxitey being drunk allows me to cut deeper too.
Since i graduated high school the few friends and support moved on started school.careers and relationships they out grew me got new friends now i have noone. My parents divorced i live with my mom the angry hateful yelling type she verbaly abusives me and hates her life. My dad is the biggest drunk ever and molested me a year ago when i was insanely drunk at his place he grabbed my dick and held till i threaten to knock his teeth out and my family acts like it never happened never told sorry you didnt deserve that. My mom still gos over to his place and calls him its makes me sick i remember telling myself after he grabbed me this is it ill never be happy agian. Now everyday is arguing feeling horrible i cut and drink everyday.
I just have no will to live anymore and havnt in in my entire life. Im so trapped here i seriously consider just leaving hitch hiking being homeless at least then family wouldnt have to be with me any longer i have no friends. I cant escape my anger.sadness.anxiety. I think of ways i could die often visualizing it step by step in my head get drunk and hang.drown or cut my throat one day i hope this pain ends sooner than later. Iv been on this site for few years an havnt improved since. I feel alone worthless like ill never be happy i can see me dying at my own hand. My future doesnt look good i see a bitter poor drunk alone i cant see me smiling with a family or happy successful just sadness nothing changes.
Thanks to anyone that read hope you are well