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Pissed & Scared-ish

by chinadoll4

Just about 10 minutes ago, I was extremely hyper for some reason. Anyways, i didnt think before leaping onto my bed. This would be generally okay if not for two things. First of all, my bed is old, creaky, and breaking. Secondly, i am fat as hell. So if you cant piece together what happened, I just come out with it.

A part of my bed broke off. I don’t know what to do. I tried fixing it myself but two of the nails are bent and I cant put it back right. While this was happening, my little sister decided to be a little ***** and keep walking in my room even after I told her not fo multiple times to take videos, which, knowing her, will be used to embarrass me in front of people when I’m finally comfortable around them. She’s also sent them to my mother.

I just texted my mom telling her that paet of my bed broke and I need her help when she gets home from work. I’m scared, though. She already blames me for everything that goes weonf in her life and will no doubt shove this in my face just to remind me how useless I am. She’s going to be so pissed when she gets home.

I’m freaking out inside and pissed at everything because fuck teenage horomones and my fucked up brain.

I’m sitting here curled up in a ball in the corner with Hollywood Undead blasting in my headphones because it does wonders in calming me down.

Why do I have to be such a fuck up? I never get anything right. I can’t even be around people because I’m so terrified of what will happen, yet the same thing happens at home. My sisters are always yelling at me for trying to get attention and trying to get people to feel sorry for me. My mother is constantly telling me how hard it is for people to be around me and how I always make people sad and angry just by being around them. And she’s right! I can hear them having a good time, so I try to join in. When I do, everything gets awkward and nothing goes right.

Why did I have to be born? Life would be so much better for everyone.

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whiskered-fish 8/12/2016 - 9:20 pm

Are you the oldest sibling or the youngest sibling?

Anyway, I don’t think it’s a very good idea to call yourself a fuck up and tell yourself that you can’t get anything right. I think you’re just internalizing the things that you hear your family say every day. You should be building yourself up, and not tearing yourself down. Prove them wrong.

chinadoll4 8/12/2016 - 9:44 pm

I’m the middle of 5 other sisters. Do you have any suggestions to raise self esteem? I’ve tried a lot of things on the internet, but nothing really does the trick. Not even the saying bubbles thing!

whiskered-fish 8/12/2016 - 10:11 pm

Oh wow. That is tough. There’s a lot of you. Do all of your sisters hate you? Are you sure there isn’t at least one of them who doesn’t?

Well, unfortunately, I don’t have a lot of advice for you on the self esteem thing, since my own self esteem is pretty much non-existent.

However, I do feel like your family is a root cause of this low self-esteem. If you don’t mind me asking, when will you turn 18?

chinadoll4 8/13/2016 - 2:28 am

Well two of my sisters are really young (5 and 3) and they don’t hate me.
The sister who is next oldest after me used to be my best friend, but she was forced out of the house 4 year’s ago. Let’s just say she’s found a new best friend. If you know what I mean.
The other two sisters are what I said in the original post.
To answer your second question, I’m currently 15 and will be turning 18 in March of 2019.

whiskered-fish 8/13/2016 - 4:42 pm

Why was she forced out of the house? I’m not sure I understand.

Oh wow, you’re fifteen! Man, I’m so sorry. I don’t want to be “one of those people” who just brushes off your feelings by telling you that you’re too young to die. It would be hypocritical anyway, seeing as how I’m only three years older than you.
But you really do have so much ahead of you! So many things to experience, so much that could change. I really hope that you can find a way to recover from all this crap being slung at you. Very, very soon, you’ll be able to leave the toxic people in your life for good, if you decide that that would be the best thing for you to do. You’ll be free! And then maybe you’ll get to fill your life with people who cherish you and build you up, instead of putting you down. That’s what you deserve.

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