Ready to go

For years I have been running from reality. Afraid to face up to it. I’ve been pushing through times when I felt I would physically collapse. I’ve been in denial about what I could truly cope with. I kidded myself that I was coping with being a solo Mum, working a part time job, keeping a house going and trying to keep a relationship going all while suffering from a debilitating illness. 7 years of this and I have to face up to the fact that I just don’t think it’s in me to get better. There’s just too high of a mountain to climb and all I am equipped with is a toothpick.  Reluctantly I have already let go of the most precious things in the world to me- my children. It took me years to accept that and to go through with it. I lost the most important people in the world and my chance of being a Mother as most people know it. Facing up to what my true reality truly was, I realised that I have lost everything.  My health, my job, my home, my children.  And any semblance of what was once almost a normal life. Looking like a complete failure in the eyes of my children, and in the eyes of almost anyone I could meet.  I sabotage any chance of happiness I could have and have pushed away all the people who cared because I just couldn’t believe that I was worthy enough of their time.  I’m no longer afraid.