Thank God

It was my time of the month and it was late… only by a couple days, but enough to freak me out as I hadn’t been completely careful with my boyfriend.  Thank God I’m not pregnant.  That would have definitely not have been in the plan.  For many reasons.  For one, I was forced to give the two children I already have to their Dad to look after as I was (and am) in a very bad state of health.  Not just mentally, but physically as well.  Even if I was in a better position to have another baby, it just wouldn’t feel right if I do not have my older two with me.  Two, I have not been with my boyfriend long.  He’s “undecided” if he wants children and is younger than me, so he may decide he does want them at some stage.  I’m in my late 30’s and may have considered it if some aspects of my life and health were different.  (I actually for a brief moment had a fantasy that having another baby would heal all the wrongs in my life and give me another chance to have what I could never have with my older children)… then reality set in.  Relief is the main emotion today.  Relief I don’t have to make a time-pressured, irreversible decision.