The oddest thing

The oddest thing for me is finding a medicine that somewhat helps and realizing I still want to die. I’m doing better than I have in a year and a half, yet the desire to die isn’t dissipating. In the past, after a failed attempt such as the one I had in June, would encourage me to keep trying to live (after all I must be here for a reason right?). That thought pattern has changed. It may well be due to the incessant flashes of images of me harming myself or killing myself that encourages me to end my life. Maybe the constant reminder of my sick mind is what pushes me to look at the end point. There are two choices for my end. Two that would be painless and permanent. I find myself giving my money to my spouse so I don’t purchase the necessary items that will break his heart. He and my close family members are why I’m still trying, but I grow weary of fighting an illness that refuses to relent. I just needed to vent that out.