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Update on me

by falling_soup

hello, I have missed you all!!

i have not written in quite some time. When I joined this website I was 14 years old! I was suicidal and alone. I had no where to turn and I was afraid. I think a lot about my past and I wish that things could have turned out differently, I wish I never loss my boyfriend at the time, I wish he wasn’t my first to have sex with at 13 because I see now how attached I was to him and how much I loved and cared for him, he was a jerk and did not deserve a girl like me. I wish that I didn’t have to lose my dad and best friend to cancer at 13, I wish i was never struggling with depression and that I didn’t cut myself or overdose on pills. now I understand a lot of the mistakes I made because it makes me who I am and that my past is what makes me stronger person. I have since the last 4 – 5 years of being put through the residential and hospitalization, I am now 18 and free from what monsters used to haunt me. My mother, the death of my dad, my depression, my cutting, my eating disorder, I see that I can make a lot for myself and be who I want to be. I think a lot about my current relationship and the way I feel about him. I think a lot about how lucky I am to have somebody like him and how he helps me heal from the pain and the suffering that I hold inside. I have still been struggling with my suicidal thoughts and the urges to cut or purge but he holds me close and helps me heal. I shouldn’t be so reliant on one person but when I can’t be my own best friend and I can’t be able to turn to friends I see that I can turn to someone and feel safe. I have been through hell and back and now as that urge to cry sits in the back of my throat and in my stomach I have to let the crying out, I can’t hold in much longer. crying is healthy but it makes me feel more helpless and alone really. I think a lot about the intensity of the emotions I feel and how upsetting and quickly it feels. I guess I hate panic attacks.. the emotional part of my brain takes over and I fall down.

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Mnt 8/28/2016 - 9:19 pm

Glad your hanging in there.please dont solely depend on your boyfriend as your only support I think you have done alot and a great job for yourself pushing yourself to find someone and also you know how to feom my view that you seem to appreciate or are aware of thr good moments and aware the bad things like purging and cutting etc. and stuff. You know how bad that made you feel and how worse it made tou feel and not to do it cause it dosent help and your strong for seeing this and not stuck in that world…please keep fighting. Google groups online or locally that have people having similar issues for suplorr

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