What am I even doing

I’ll make this short. I’m not much of an active person. Laziness is my game. Any motivation? No. I got caught with marijuana in my car. I’m on probation and have not quit smoking, it really helps me cope. I’m also an underage alcoholic. Helps me forget my responsibilities.  Feeling more apathetic everyday. Losing everyone and thing I love to my alcoholism. I’m slacking on community service. So much so I probably already fucked myself and violated my probation. I don’t know yet. Been contemplating suicide since the beginning of my high-school years. I have graduated, but nothing pushes me to do anything further. I’m sure I’m a disappointment to my parents and grandparents who raised me, even though they show nothing but support and love. I don’t wanna fuck them by ruining all they’ve worked for to keep me going in life. But I also feel I’ll just be a further burden. What would my little sister think if she actually knew how I stood in this world. If I’m gone I cant help her see the right way. I don’t even think I could help anyway. What the fuck am I even doing..