that long list? that was pretty much everything wrong with me, the one thing I can say I am honestly “okay with” about myself is being gay, it makes me feel like yes I am not straight but at least I know who I am to a certain extent that is. I have been fighting most of these mental and physical things for as long as I can remember. I have been on different medicines since grade school and seeing psychiatrists, been seeing a therapist since middle school, and been struggling with the day to day activities. Here I am not even thinking I will make it through the day with out hurting myself in some shape or form. I honestly can not make it anymore, I have been fighting, pushing and shoving the demons away, and yet it never is good enough because the demons get stronger and better with their tactics at beating me down. I tried reaching out for help but help has never arrived. I am giving up slowly, as much as I don’t want to be a “murder” (my best friend said he would end his own life if I was gone) I can’t keep fighting. I put on a mask and try to smile but my life is just getting worse, the only good thing right now is seeing my best friend smile. I can’t live with out him, he is my rock. As selfish as I am being right now for wanting to die I know that it could be for the better not just for me but for everyone else. The people in my life don’t need another responsibility or burden from me.
The emotions building up inside are simply too much, I have tried and tried but it just isn’t enough. My emotions are going to explode and I may just let go. People DO see me as a responsibility. there is no arguing that point. My emotions are all built up and I just can’t keep my promises anymore, I am losing every part of me that makes me happy, I dropped out of Culinary Arts, I am now financially un supported. I am trying to pay for basic things in college but I can’t. My life seems to be spinning out of control, I am losing hope everyday, I am self harming again, there is no doubt in my mind that I am going to cut again when I finish writing this, I try to hold on each and everyday but I can’t anymore, I have been getting worse and worse lately and now its reached a boiling point where I have broken and no one can save me. There is no hope left for me. Why do I even try anymore? why should there be a reason for me to be here? I thought that I found some reason but it is all a lie. I love you Rory, you are my best friend. I hope that if you see this you will come and check on me. It is a shot in the dark at this point but I could really use a hug right about now. I know I burden you with responsibilities and that I can be annoying and a chore but I hope that one day IF I am still here, I will return the favor to you when you need it the most.