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Forever and Always.

by falling_soup

The strength you give me is priceless. I stand strong enough everyday just to be here for you, but oh my goodness its getting harder to be here each and waking moment. I try to be here, I try to smile but it just is not enough, the days grow grey, cold and rainy, you and I are growing apart, it hurts me to say that but its true. there really is no point for me anymore, i lost interest in daily activities, even writing this post in the middle of class brings me no relief. I am not paying attention to math class, I have you on my mind. My head is pounding and the tears wants to fall down my face and never stop. My heart is broken and I just want things to be better, to be okay again, seeing you push and pull me away from you is what is bothering me the most. You say we aren’t growing apart but I see the signs that we are. I see us growing apart and it does nothing but hurt me and tear me apart more and more. I want to be here, I want to do this whole college thing for you, because I love you, you are my best friend and partner, you are dating me and my boyfriend, you are gay and may only be sexually involved with him but that doesn’t mean we don’t love each other, we fooled around and then you stopped questioning who you were, you know you are gay and even though I miss the intimacy between us and the times that we had together, I took a risk and now I am paying the price, I am bisexual again, the intimacy between you and me was priceless, I will never be able to get that moment again, somedays I get hurt because I am somewhat romantically attracted to you. I know nothing will ever happen again but the love I will have for you is never going to go away, I can’t stop loving you, I love you not only as a friend but in the relationship that we are in with him. This is so difficult for me. My own family is loosing hope in me, in fact, its gone, you and him are the only two people who are holding my hand through the dark tunnel and are going to hold out your hands to help me up because I fell down. I love you and him very very much. I do not want to leave either of you ever. It just feels like part of me isn’t wanted by either of you. You two are on a date right now!! I sit here in class only wishing only WISHING I was there, but everyone needs their alone time one on one. It does hurt that he loves and cares for you more than me.. I know he won’t admit that but I can see right through is mask. I am nothing new or exiting, I am nothing like you, I am nothing that he wants to see in a relationship. You are the more happy one, you have a better mask than I do and it breaks me down. I see that you hurt and it hurts me, but he makes you happy sweet heart and you need someone like that in your life, you need him more than I do. As much as MUCH as I need love and support, there are people in this world who needs it more than me, you deserve happiness and love, you should be selfish with that  because your whole life you have not been receiving love at all, well not as much as you need. I know he makes you very happy and I am considering leaving the relationship. I just don’t feel the sparks that you do with him, I have feelings for him and I do love him very much, but I do not need the extra pressures of a relationship right now, especially when someone I need right now is not going to be fighting for me, they lost all interest in me anyway. He loves you, you need that right now, I will always forever and always be your friend and be here for you. NOTHING will change if I do decide to break up with both of you. I need some time to think about this. I need to escape from everything. MY second guessing is not your problem and you do not need to worry about this at all. You should be happy and in love with the most handsome man in the world. I feel such a burden by weighing down the potential growth of the relationship. I am a suicidal mess, I am too afraid to act on the thoughts as much as the burden me and anger me I will not give in. I will always do my best to fight by your side and I promise that I won’t be giving up on you anytime soon, let me escape in my own little world for a few days. I am breaking down and I think the only person who can heal me is myself… I love the both of you very much. don’t ever forget that.

 

Love Always,

Falling_Soup

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