I don’t even know why I am doing this right now. But I guess I should maybe reach out and idk who knows maybe something like this could save my life. So here’s my story. I grew up in a military family and moved around a lot I learned how to make friends really fast.. and by that I mean that I learned how to be fake I learned how to be like other people, the people that everyone liked. Because deep I don’t know why but I have always had this belief that no one would ever really like me so why should I be myself? If I’m someone else, someone who everyone else likes maybe other people might like me. This crippled me at a young age. Now I’m going to fast forward into my teens. I knew that people didn’t like me and I just stopped caring. I stopped talking to everyone I thought I was bound to be alone. I went on like this for years as a recluse I didn’t want anything from anyone, and I knew that I had nothing worth while to give anyone else. I thought it was just going to be a phase so when I get into highschool I started trying to make some friends even though I knew no one would like me anyway. But I did what I always have done.. I imitated the people that I saw that other people liked. And I started doing drugs. Like heavy drugs. My mission every day was to die. It didn’t matter what you had I would buy it and do all of it right then and there. I have over-dosed over 15 times in the past 4 years. I really just want to be dead. So I am sitting here 21 years old now I don’t know how to live life whatsoever I’ve been to rehab for 20 months of my life and been in jail for about 6. The only person that has ever loved me intimately left me yesterday and she is a heroin addict and I hate her so much she always told me how much she loved me and how much she cared for me and now she can’t stand the sight of me. I don’t blame here I guess I can’t even look in the mirror any more. I live in my mom’s fucking basement on meth hurting my whole family because they don’t understand why I cry myself to sleep every night and disappear for weeks at a time. I just want this pain to stop. It never will no matter how hard I try to numb it it always comes back to myself. I hate everyone I have ever met. But really I only hate myself. I don’t even know who I am anymore I just wish it were as easy as pulling a trigger to end my life. I just don’t know how I could do that to my family. And it makes me hate myself that much more that I would even think about ending my own life because of the pain I know that it would put on my family. I just want to fucking die.
9 comments
If you could find the strength to permanently let go of drugs it would improve the quality of life. I am not one to judge or patronize you, but know that heavy drugs will keep diminishing your life span. There is nothing you did that cannot be fixed
my Niece just killed herself a couple of weeks ago. Similar story actually. She moved from Moms to Dads and back to Moms over and over, for years. Superficial friends too. She started doing drugs at 15. She was just 22 the other day when she killed herself. So similar age too. In and out of jail and rehab… Same same. She had a couple friends that would get high with her. hiron . but no more than like two friends.
She finally had enough of life. Called me and other family members, told us she loved us… then went and did a huge amount and that was that. Brain dead.
donated all the organs they could, and gave the rest of the body to science. they get the ashes back soon.
I hope you dont do it but if you do, i get it. I believe we should be able to kill ourselves. I dont think it selfish or wrong. Maybe a bit selfish but oh well.
BTW, i’m 50, and have had some good times. but they are always, always outweighed by my depression. I’m about done myself. And guess how i’m going out.
I got a non rescetate from my Dr. Now im simply not eating. LOL. Was 205#. now down to 168# in two months and dropping like a *****. I drink a beer here and there. some water…
Good luck to you, again I hope you figure it out, RX drugs, therapy, hard drugs something.
I’m sorry about your niece, but this just made me realize, why is every one here looking for crazy and complicated ways to kill themselves when they can just take a large amount of you know what and die peacefully? The shit is cut with Fentanyl so people are dropping like flies. Sounds like the easiest way to go.
Guilty as charged. Lol. I know right. Just put the muzzle in your mouth and pull…
How do you quit drugs when you don’t know what a life without them is? How do you just quit the only thing that has ever been there for you?
Guilty as charged. Lol. I know right. Just put the muzzle in your mouth and pull…
I replied to you by mistake.
I thought you were much older while reading this post until you said you”re 21. My heart breaks. You are too young to be going through all of that. Please try again with rehab. And try again and again if you have to, but please stay alive.
I haven’t done any hardcore drugs like meth or heroine, but my addiction is benzos.
I completely understand when you say “How do you quit drugs when you don’t know what a life is without them?” When you do a drug so much, it does become the center of your life. It becomes your personality. You forget who you were without drugs.
When I run out of benzos, I play dead and just lie in bed lifeless for weeks until I get more. Why? Because I don’t know how to make a move without them anymore. I feel like they give me my personality and without them, I’m not “me”, but in reality I’m not the true “me” on drugs. I know it’s hard.
I’m never giving up benzos though because with my anxiety and agoraphobia, I would never leave the house or interact with anyone without them. So I just came to the conclusion I’m sticking to it. God, I wish I had comforting words for you. Please seek therapy, a psychiatrist, any help you can. You deserve to live. I’m a decade older than you. You still have your whole life ahead of you!
and I knew that I had nothing worth while to give anyone else – that’s me !