Is there such a thing as ‘better’?

I’m dipping low again. I thought I had this figured out. Thought the doctors prescribed pesticides were working. Thought I could maybe breathe a little for a change. I was wrong. Tell me where do the hopeless find hope and the worthless find worth? Where do I find some way to accept the darkness that engulfs me? How do I keep fighting for the people I love? The people I desperately want to save from the grief of losing someone to suicide. I just can’t keep fighting this weight that pulls at my heart and anchors me to the lowest place, a true hell on earth. I just want to give up. Everyone thinks I’m better. I thought I was better. People need me. I’m so lost right now. Sorry for the rambling. Sorry for the self pity.