Mural I am working on

I’m really conflicted tonight, as to if I want to live anymore. I watched this investigative journalism show called Vice, and they covered right to death. In the documentary they walked a lady from the Netherlands through the process of death. She wasn’t terminally ill, she was just mentally ill, some personality disorder I think. Like I kinda got over the idea of suicide, but when I watched lady on the documentary die it gave me a huge rush. Only because it was sanctioned, she was living in misery, and she got the last say in all of it. It’s hard for me not to consider what my choice would be if my circumstances allowed me to medically pursue and choose my death. I live in constant misery, and I think it’s caused from multiple things, but at the end of the day it’s hard not to think, “is this as good as it is ever going to get?”. If it is never going to get better, and my circumstances allowed me a sanctioned suicide, then I would, however I genuinely see my value to others in my life. Without a sanctioned suicide I don’t think they would ever be able to cope with my death.