Today my very best friends, friends that have been more like family to me, helped me to raise my children, housed me when I had no home, left because they had to move back to their home country. I’ve already been on the downward slide before this. Now I’m devastated. I miss them so much! My depression, on and off companion for more than 30 years is flooding back. I’m not afraid to die, the thought of doing so is alluring and comforting, but I still have people I would deeply hurt by my suicide, so I resist.
I’ve been hospitalised many times before, but to go there again would mean to loose my job. I will see my psychiatrist on Monday – I guess that’s a good thing. He is very good and understanding. But I seem to only ever win the battles. The war is unwinnable. Depression will always come back.
I’ve wanted to die since I was 12. I’m 51 now. I know I can beat it back this time too, if I try, but do I want to try? Why, if it always comes back? My sons are grown, they will hurt, but they will survive. They are both strong. My partner? I don’t know. We don’t live together, but he already has PTSD from military service, and parental abuse, it might just push him over the edge. And my friends,.. I cannot even bear to think what it would do to them.
But my wish to die has been so clear and so strong and so consistent for so long! Even after a happy day, in the quietness of the night, I still want to die – every single day. What do I do?
Just venting and sharing. I don’t expect any answers. Thank you for even reading.
3 comments
I never had any friends so I don’t know it feel to lose someone.. so I can’t help you feel better after losing your friends..
I will just say the things everyone say- there are some fun things in life. Those are the things we live for. We go through enormous amounts of pain just to live another day, to smile one more time.
You have to ignore the past. If you want to be happy you have to work hard and ignore negative feelings.
Hi
If it helps I can tell you your friends are feeling exact the same as you! By the time it hurts less but you will always miss each other.
I left my best friends 4 years ago and then again 2 years ago. I was devastated and they were devastated too. I was forced to leave both times.
In the city I live now I can’t have friends like I had in other cities I lived. Here is more difficult.
Like you I think about death since very early, since 11 years old. I am in my early 40s. I did not comitted suicide till now because I had a dream that I have not anymore…
And like you I also think daily about death but many times it’s not bad, I simply think about.
I have no one that would miss me excepting my pet. I have good online friends but no one in daily life.
I decided to live for myself, doing my things instead of waiting sth from someone. Of course it’s lonely but it’s what is possible. If a miracle happens and someone wants to be close to me on daily basis it would be very good. If not I’ll keep with my plan of feeling the better I can daily till the moment of my death that will be some time after my pet dies.
The only thing I know is I want to feel good daily doesn’t matter the rest.
Thank you for your replies. I’m already doing all the things, doing something for myself, living in the now and for the future…
I just needed to vent my pain yesterday