Everyone on this site I’m pretty sure can all agree that their emotions and personal experience cannot be an exact match to someone else’s. There are many similarities for instance with certain tragedies. Most other rape victims I’ve met have gone through somewhat similar raw emotions as I have. But each of us has our own refined version of it I think. At least that’s my opinion and lord knows I don’t have a degree in psychology, so take what you will from this.
In this post I’m going to describe the three major versions of … I guess you’d call “being” or depression or “state of existing” I’ve lived through. The fourth and current emotional state I’m in is new. It’s an odd conglomerate of the past three evolutions. And I guess I’m just interested in your guys’ versions. If you’ve gone through a very similar emotional state. Or maybe there’s an “eeveelution” I’ve never experienced personally. I’d honestly love to read what you guys are going through.
Eeveelution Number One: The Pit
I experienced this one when I was in grade school. Probably elementary through middle school. It was this sense that I was alone sitting in a narrow deep deep deep hole. There was no hope in escaping. There was light that you could see waaaay up there if you squint but that light was for normal people. I wasn’t normal. There was something wrong with me that I believed couldn’t be fixed.
For the most part you are left emotionally in a pitch dark cold place where no one can reach you. Helpless doesn’t begin to cover the emotions one goes through on a daily basis when you’re in the pit. Simply because you believe you’re doomed to exist your entire life down there. Alone.
Eeveelution Number Two: Cut
That’s the only word that feels right in naming the sensation. I think after a while of being in the constant mental state of “the pit” I kind of … cracked? This one came about in High School. I was suddenly overwhelmed with this extreme want for blood and pain. I would have visions of taking that gardening tool of my mother’s and just going ape shit on my arms until they were nothing but stumps left. Like, the vision was always there whenever I closed my eyes or would consume my thoughts when I was trying to pay attention in school. Always so vivid, so graphic. I would scratch at myself or use an unwrapped paperclip to saw in the same place in my left arm.
Like, the single cut thing with a sharp blade didn’t do it for me. I needed sawing. I needed constant pain. My favorite tool for this (to this day sadly) is a steak knife. A knife with those ridges. And on my left arm is my designated place to do this. It feels the best there, it relieves the best there, and I’ve found that after these cuts heal, as long as I do a few more messier cuts around them, I can pass the scar off as a burn in public conversation. “Oh, yeah, caught myself on the oven one day.” This has worked extremely well for me over the years. You know, considering what we’re talking about here. I’m not proud of it, I’m just being real and honest.
Eeveelution Number Three: The Welcoming Kind Embrace
Bear with me here. Around my Senior year in High School this constant state of gorey hell finally subsided. And I can only best describe it as meeting Death. And Death was kind. God, my eyes are watering even now thinking back to that time in my life. I felt like there was an extremely kind and understanding and judgment free female entity that would just visit me at times …. And, like …. I’m trying to find the words to describe it. It was a sense of this being opening her arms to me with the kindest fucking smile and softest fucking eyes going, “Sweet heart, dearest dearest soul, you’re tired. I see how tired you are. I see how exhaustion has affected you. I see you. Know that I see you. And I’m here to tell you, you don’t have to keep running on that hamster wheel anymore. It’s okay to stop. It’s okay. Just come here and finally allow yourself to rest. I promise within my arms you will find rest.”
And the strangest sense of peace just flooded me, finally, after years of seeing blood and having this unquenchable drive to cause myself pain. It was the biggest strongest turn in my life. I went literally from one extreme to the other. If others hurt me, if others spoke ill of me, I could feel Death standing there patiently. No pressure to do it but, I don’t know, this peace of I could kill myself and be okay. Nothing mattered because all of that was frivilous. Suicide was something that was in my hands. So much wasn’t but that was. And there was peace in that.
So honestly I lived through life in that state of being for a while. I could kill myself but why not hold off for at least another day, I want to play this video game and enjoy myself. Or I want to eat ice cream first. Or I want to see Lindsey Stirling live first. My life’s end is in my hands and I can choose to keep postponing that end for what selfishness and little joys I have fucking earned. Like Pokemon Sun and Moon? Yeah, I’m holding off until I play that.
And I think I’ll stop here for today. The fourth state of being that has caused me to join this site I’ll express in another post. I think we can all agree I got wordy. But, yeah. What emotional states are you living through now? Or have lived through? Has yours evolved over the years? Or has yours been a constant?