I don’t even know where to begin. Im sorry this is long. You don’t have to read it. I just need somewhere to vent right now.
It’s almost 1am and I have to wake up at 6:30am to go to work at 8am. And I can’t stop crying. I was fine today. I’ve been fine for quite a while now. Life has been going pretty good. But it’s been going downhill for a few months now and I know it. I used to have two really good friends. We would talk a lot over a group text message because one of them went to another state for school. And then this summer came and the one who lived in another state got a summer job at a camp and she wasn’t able to have phone service a lot, so we kinda fell out of touch. I kept up with my other friend a lot. And then my other friend moved to Pennsylvania for school, which is on the complete opposite coast of me. And I tried to keep up with her a bit, but she stopped responding. So I stopped trying to keep up with her. My other friend came back from her summer job and came home for a month. Then she had to leave on her mission. Which means she can only communicate through email. And before she left, I tried to set up something and do something with her but she would just come up with excuses and now she’s gone with basically very little way I can communicate with her. But also when me and my two friends were all together I was kinda the third wheel most of the time. My other friends were better friends with each other than me. Which kinda hurt a lot. And now I have no friends. The closest person I have to a friend right now is some guy I met on world of Warcraft who lives in fucking Canada. He also has depression and stuff so it’s easy to talk to him because he understands. And today he was having a hard time and me just relations to how he was feeling put me in a kinda depressed mood. And around ten pm I was like I’m tired I need to sleep I have work in the morning. And I watch youtube videos to help me sleep sometimes. And in the middle of one of those videos my sister texts me. My sister is 8months pregnant right now and is unmarried but has a boyfriend she lives with who is the father and they’ve been having some issues. Financial and relationship wise. And for some background, my sister originally didn’t want the kid, has never wanted kids. Her boyfriend convinced her to keep the kid. She was ready to abort the child very early on in the pregnancy, especially when she first found out. And having a child with that choice being almost made in the beginning isn’t a good way to keep your relationship going. And my sister doesn’t have that many friends around either right now, so I’m the person she goes to when she wants to talk about something. But she keeps texting me about her relationship issues, and I don’t want to be a part of it. I’m already starting to love my future nephew and I know she shouldn’t be having this child. She never wanted him and cannot handle raising a kid on her own. And she keeps putting her problems on me and I can’t do it. I don’t know how to respond because I can’t tell her what I want to tell her because it would make everything worse. And just with everything happening in my life right now I am trying to stay positive and not depressed but I’m starting to slip again. And it is not an easy climb out of that hole and I don’t want to go down again. I just want everyone to leave me alone. And I want a friend. I want someone to be here for me and help me out but that’s not happening. And I know I’m gonna fall back down that hole soon. And I can’t stop crying right now.
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Throughout my life I’ve had reliable friends I could count on to always be there, but like your situation people drift apart, move to different cities/countries for jobs and the relationship ends.
In a nutshell I had a core group of friends, but as they say familiarity breeds contempt and I began to have some problems with a few of them. To the point where I thought it was really the end-that I had zero friends remaining (for a few short days). I was in a similar place as you’re in right now-terrible feeling.
Fortunately in my case, my friends and I basically got over it, acted normal, like nothing happened-and we went back to the way things were but despite not liking them, I realized I just had no choice but to put up with their BS until I found better friends. Another saying applies here ‘you could choose to be right but end up alone.’ Something to that effect.
We’re social creatures-like it or not, we do need other people in our lives to keep up going-which is why I let the small stuff slide, as much as I can put up with.
I’m not sure what to advise you since it doesn’t seem you have any friends around that you could get re-acquainted with. I would advise not putting any faith in online relationships, they’ve always proven to be very superficial to me and I don’t trust anyone from the net.
I’d advise taking some college/university courses, that’s about the best way to make new friends-assuming the other person is also willing-because you study together and get to know each other.
You’re not entirely alone, you still have your family including your sister. I think she needs you as much as you need her. If you didn’t think she was competent to raise kids, you should’ve advised her to have the abortion early on in the pregnancy-now of course it’s too late. Chances are the guy will leave her for another girl and her life will get much harder when he’s gone-she might lean on your more too.
Keep in mind, there are other people who are in a situation much like your own so you’re not alone and it’s just a matter of finding like-minded people to get to know.
Lastly I know how it is to have to wake up early for work when your life is going to shit. You could consider calling in sick, or just try to tough it out. I find if I’m going through some crisis I tell myself that I’ll think about it tomorrow (put it on hold) and that actually allows me to get my necessary sleep.