The Phantom Pain

If any of you have been following some of my posts until now (which I highly doubt) you may or may not know that I’m in love with my best friend. Of course, she was the one who sent me to the friendzone. Of course I’ve been there every time some asshole has broken her heart. Of course, I’ve been there telling her how every single guy she likes is a complete idiot (and this isn’t because I like her). And naturally, she doesn’t have the slightest clue about that.

But now she found someone… different. This time she took the next step into being in a relationship, something she never ever has done before. So that ensures me that this time there’s nothing I can do but see her being happy with someone who isn’t me. And I’ve already experienced today what it feels like to see them being happy together.

The pain is… somehow indescriptible, but it is there. It is the first time in a lot (or maybe not that long) in which I truly feel… something. But it feels different than any kind of pain I’ve felt before (or at least I’ve felt in a long time). It’s like everything inside of me sinks. Like little sharp needles puncturing me from the inside. Like my chest can’t hold my breath anymore… I think those are the most accurate descriptions.

Now, enduring that for the rest of the year and probably the next 6 months is going to be the hardest trial I’ve ever faced, and it gets harder pretending that everything is okay, when it is not. I don’t know what to do anymore. I need to get away from her, but I always keep returning to her. It doesn’t matter what I do, I will always be there for her, even though I must not. But I don’t know how to detach myself from her…