What to think????

A stupid meme has had my brain spinning the past couple of days over something that can’t possibly ever happen. It’s a dumb thing about choosing between $20 million or going back in time 25 years and doing it all over again. I’d actually pick doing it all over and haven’t been able to stop my brain from thinking through every detail, even the painful fact that I’d have never had any of my cats and most likely my kid wouldn’t have come to exist because if I could be 14/15 again and do it all over, I’d lose the fucking weight and stay living as a girl so that I could actually be with the man that I love. I could also seek him out and save him from a life of hell, before any of the real bad shit he’s been through ever happened. It would be so much fucking easier. And I just saw something about a transguy that had a kid and sorry but just looking at it yeah I did think wtf and wtf am I doing with this shit? It’s beyond me how other transguys can get dick because I sure as fuck can’t, I’m fat AND hideously ugly. Yeah, I don’t even look human and never have. If I was a lean and healthy girl would I still be able to get my man? I’m cursed with this ugly face and the worst part of it is my profile which truly doesn’t look human. Makes me wonder how such a small nose can be so fucking long and stick straight out from the side when from the front looks like just a little button. But my profile is truly hideous and as inhuman looking as it gets. Why did I fuck myself up so badly?!?!??? Was it just rebellion against life in the bible belt that drove me to this shit, because sure as hell no one in the big city bats an eye at women with shaved heads or wearing a suit & tie – it’s accepted here. I don’t know what I want to be any more honestly. I do hate the girl thing but when it comes to the right man, I’ve got no problem being the wife if I could ever be that fucking lucky. At least in a big city, girls don’t have to be ultra feminine, frilly and prissy or act like you’re stupid and helpless which are all the things I truly hated people expecting me to be like. Just had a little discussion with a transwoman friend about how the trend in the lgbt world is that they all like the shit music of today that we can’t stand. We’re both Gen X and we’re still listening to 80’s & 90’s and classic rock and just realizing in general how I don’t fit in to the gay world being that I like rock music and will always be a rocker and that’s just who I am. Shit, I like 60’s music a fuck of a lot more than anything that came after 1995. I’m a mess and I don’t belong. I’m so super stressed out because by December I need to find another city&state for me and this guy that I love to move to that will be good for him and decent enough for me. I’m scared about moving because I can’t get a full time job here because I don’t have a master’s degree and 15 years experience and everywhere else the issue is mostly being obese and looking like a woman with a shaved head who dresses like a man so I have a million and one walls holding me back from a real job and being able to take care of myself. Then I just heard from my mom that she got fired from her job of decades because the lazy and stupid millennial shits she worked with were always screwing up and leaving messes for her to clean up so she got fed up and blew up so they fired her. Yeah well fucking entitled little shits don’t do any work! And I used to hate my mom for being so extremely strict but god damn it, it made me the responsible and hard working person that I am! But I feel horrible because I can’t help her, my aunt, or the man I love and those are truly the 3 most important people in the world to me. Yeah, it’s weird but I’ve reconnected with my family after all this time and we are closer than we’ve ever been which means they speak to me somewhat regularly and keep in touch and accept me as an adult and a person now. My hours were cut yet again, too, because one of the clients for my first job dropped us, and I did the most work for them even though I complained the whole time of how much I hated babysitting 8 rich yuppie executives and their constant complaining and worrying about their blog and twitter 24-7-365 and wanting me on call when I really only got paid a total of 4-5 hours a week for them when they were 24-7-365 type of demand and the work I did for them took me way longer than the pay I was allotted for it. So I won’t get but $100 a week again. I was super set on killing myself too but I really have to help the one I love get a better chance in life. I think he does get that no one else has stuck by him like I have at least. Work is going to be even more painful because there’s someone who wants to come in and be taught the stuff I know but I seriously did not really want to teach anyone anything here. I’m not a people person and I hate that I got stuck being a one man show for this place having to do everything including teaching classes when I don’t want to talk to people at all.