My countdown has started. I’m applying the 7 day rule: I will only kill myself if I really want to do so for 7 days in a row. Even one moment of doubt and I’ll have to start over with day on. Currently on day two. Yesterday, I felt so free and happy when I told myself: next week, same time, I’ll be dead. I feel it now, too
Years of therapy, a whole cocktail of meds, nothing can heal me. I’m just to broken by a lifetime of abuse.
If sorted all of my affairs out, have updated my will, tidied up my paperwork, and compiled a list of all my accounts etc. I’m free to go. The only thing still tormenting me is the suffering I will cause for my sons and partner. They don’t deserve this. But I’m ready to leave despite that. I’ve just about given up. Just about – 99%. The remaining 1% will probably reach out oone more time when I see my psychiatrist on Tuesday. For the sake of my sons. Wish me luck, and I don’t know which way luck should push me when I say that. Luck that I finally have the guts to follow through, or luck that once more I get the help I need and get better.
5 comments
Hey…I like the 7 day rule. I haven’t tried it before. Does it help? I find peace in knowing that I can leave this place whenever I want. But as far as a time limit, I gave myself till 18. I’m now almost 22, I wish I would have stuck to my original plan.
Good luck in finding an answer you can live with. Where are the thoughts of suicide coming from, your heart or your head? If possible, listen to your heart for the answer.
Peace be with you.
Definitely the heart. It makes me so happy and relieved to imagine myself dead. I know of course that once I’m dead, I can’t feel happiness anymore, but just before – that total freedom and peace when nothing else matters anymore.
My head tells me that I will cause a lot of pain, and that I mustn’t…. for the sake of those who love me. It tells me that my life is good – and it really is at the moment, and this will pass.
The pain inside me tells me that it’s pointless, that it never will get better. But even my head is starting to believe that it will never get better. I first got seriously suicidal when I was 15, I’m 51 years now, and while there were good periods, the wish to die was always there, sometimes overwhelmingly so, sometimes just as a background noise. Decades of abuse didn’t really help.
The 7 day rule, I guess, when viewed from the hear vs head perspective, is about respecting both. This way I’m not acting on an impulse, spur of the moment, but I am giving myself permission to eventually leave.
@Jess765 It’s good that you waited until now – because so much can change in these years as you turn into an adult. But I’m also with you about the regret. I wish I had killed myself when I was 15 – then I wouldn’t have to hurt my sons now.
I looked at my younger son last night, we were at a party, and he was dancing and so happy and carefree. I left knowing that I may never see him again, and that in a week’s time his happy and innocent word might get shattered forever, and it tortures me. But still, the pull to death is so strong.
I hear you, though the desire is not nearly as strong in me as it us with you. There were 4 people I was concerned about. It’s down to 2 now. So I wait until one gets much older at least…my kid is about the same as the one you mention. So I stay…and pray for strength…and try to change, though I don’t know if I actually can.
Good luck on either path you follow.
You know, it’s eerie really. Placing a 7 day rule for self-assurance is the last humane planning you’ll ever have. I always thought about once I clipped myself what type of reactions would result. God forbid I roll in my grave, right? I never thought about my own body either. Would it go to research, or be scattered below in the San Francisco Bay waters? Shit, live or die though, peace be with you.