I’m currently a sophomore in a college prep school. My parents can barely afford to keep me there but they work all day so that I can have a better education and chance for college then they had. I feel so guilty, like I am not appreciating what they do. But I really do and thats why I’m not dead yet.
My life is like a roller coaster, except it went up and then in 6th grade it went down and hasn’t stopped. There’s been times when it kinda went up a slight bit and then went down by a lot. I can’t go on in life. Not anymore. I’ve been trying so hard since 7th grade, when the bad suicidal thoughts approx. started; to just wait till I’m 18 and then go to the Drs to get on meds without anyone, pay for it myself, and not need to be questioned or anyone to be told about it. I realized last year that that was an impossible dream and that I couldn’t wait that long. But I can’t kill myself, I can’t tell anyone, and I’ve tried suicide hotlines but those are a bunch of bs and they just make me feel worse because they just don’t understand the pain or anything I’m going through.
Anyway, school this year has been rougher then last year. I have A’s in all my classes except math, which I have a D in. So that has been stressing me out more then I already am about school related shit. I have such bad anxiety and my depression keeps me from doing my homework. I have already missed 1 day of school this year due to my depression and I’m gonna tell my mom tomorrow I’m to sick to go to school. I feel so bad, but I can’t go to that hell hole. It’s not that I don’t like the school, I really, truly love it. But I don’t know, it’s just that I can’t. I just hate myself so much.
Of course there are other things, like self-image issues, feeling lonely (even though I have great, nice friends), being broke, but I can’t live. But I can’t kill myself either. You know I get so upset when people get shot or cities get bombed in another country, or whatever. And It makes me feel so bad about myself because I should be happy, I have opportunities, chances to do things with my life, I’m white for god sake, I live in a nice enough area, I have family. But something is missing and I can’t control myself from how I feel about life. You know I have imagined and wished so many times, me walking down the street and I get hit by a car and die, or me getting shot, or dying somehow without me being the blame that way I could go on and rest in my grave without feeling the guilt i would feel before I kill myself of what I would put my family through. And I know it is selfish with all the awful things happening to innocent people, but I can’t help it.
Anyway, I don’t know if anyone is gonna read through all of this, and its kinda a rant. But I needed to just do something cause I’m scared, scared and tired of my emotions being bottled up. I feel like just one of many particles floating along in their short lived track. I guess I came on here to talk to someone. But I don’t know. I don’t have anyone who has gone through this, lie truly gone through this to talk to so I guess I wanted to know what people thought. Actually Im not really sure but yeah. That is it for now.
Oh also does anyone have any ideas on any homeopathic or ways to cope with depression? I tried a bunch of stuff but nothing works. I just wanted to know if anything may have worked for you guys. But thanks for listening to all this if you got this far. [contact-form][contact-field label=’Name’ type=’name’ required=’1’/][contact-field label=’Email’ type=’email’ required=’1’/][contact-field label=’Website’ type=’url’/][contact-field label=’Comment’ type=’textarea’ required=’1’/][/contact-form]
3 comments
Well, I know of something that is very definitely worth a try.
Iboga root bark. It contains a psychedelic drug that when taken in high enough doses produces a full on trip, but in low doses is an effective treatment for neurosis.
No shit.
It’s very alternative and underground, don’t ask your doctor about it!
I use it myself, I get it from the Ibogaworld website. Im talking specifically about the capsules form they offer there. I don’t work for them. I use these capsules myself.
There are no side effects like sexual dysfunction or apathy, the only side effect is that for the first couple weeks you may feel a little bit funny, but that goes away.
Seriously, its very much worth a try.
I just began my first year of grad school (I’m 22), so while I am in a different stage of life from you, I very much know what you seem to be going through. I have always done well in school, but now I seem to barely be hanging on here. By many standards, I have it pretty good; I go to a great school, have no debt and actually some savings from working for a year before coming here, and I have good family and friends (though none of them seem to really understand what I am going through mentally), but like you, something more substantial is missing from my life. The spark that I once felt is gone and I can’t even seem to pretend that everything is okay anymore. Many times as I walk across the street, or even as I lay in bed, I think of all of the different scenarios that could play out that result in me not having to make a decision whether to live or to die (scenarios where the decision is made for me). If you would like to talk to someone more in-depth, maybe try to get a new perspective or to reinforce your own, and would like to talk to me, please send me an email at sacrificial_shaun @ yahoo.com (delete the spaces).
Unfortunately, I do not know anything that works, besides talking to those who have gone through the same sort of mindset. The conclusion that I have come to is that the only people out there that can really provide any constructive input, or even input that at least is not annoying, are those that have gone through it or are going through it. Everyone else just doesn’t seem to get it, and tries to be too optimistic, as if that concept is supposed to make sense to those in our shoes.
I know exactly what you mean. All the shrinks Ive talked to over the years didn’t know what the fuck they were talking about. It takes survivor to know.