Dreams of a Time Machine

At a point where I know for sure things cannot get better. I had a perfect life filled with love, plans, dreams, and a true cosmic purpose which I was so passionate about heading into and achieving for the rest of my living days. I really fell in love with myself to such a supreme and transcendent degree during this lifetime, and have been blessed with such an amazing mind and heart to create with. And for reasons I still do not understand within myself, I spoiled it all by getting involved with someone I loved very deeply, which inevitably wound up taking me from the path I know I should have stayed on to become the person I ultimately wanted to become for this world. Now, my relationship with this person is screwed up and filled with regret and pain, and my dreams and passions are no longer a path open to me how they once were when I was ready to dive into them.

A time machine. Dreams of a time machine. What I would do for a chance to be the person I was, to go back to a specific day and have all of the opportunities and choices available to me to make that one particular choice anew. To have that choice again. If I could go back to that day, to change the course of my future, to stay on the path I truly wanted, my entire life would be so different. It hurts so badly, knowing exactly what you needed to do, knowing exactly where you needed to go, yet no longer having access to the person you once were to do those things. I shouldn’t have been so careless with my joy and my decisions at the time. I was so in love with my life and my purpose, feeling so much passion and fire to build my dreams, that I somehow in the momentum of it all, entered a relationship that ran counter to the energy of my own dreams. I shouldn’t have entered it in the first place, and I should have found the courage to walk away from it shortly after entering it and realizing it wasn’t ultimately helping either of us. No doubt, I loved this person with my entire heart and soul, but the timing of our relationship wasn’t ready for us to fully appreciate and become the best people we could for each other.

It’s like staying on a train for far too long. The stop you were supposed to get off at was a long time ago, and each time you passed it, you kept saying, “Oh I’ll get off at the next one. I’ll just get off at the next one.” And then after doing that repeatedly, eventually you just never get off, and you find yourself looking out the window of the train back towards the spot you were supposed to get off. The train keeps moving, but the life of your dreams are behind you. You’re living in reverse. And there’s no way to get back now. You’ve gone too far down the wrong path. ‘You’ exists somewhere in the past. You can never become the person you wanted to become anymore. The original creative energy has been lost in the detour of non-action and not making a definitive choice.

So, now I find myself in a place where my life is entirely wrecked. I can no longer achieve my dreams or confidently walk forward into them with the same love, passion, and intelligence I once had. And the relationship with this person I love wound up becoming so tarnished because I lost my joy, my passion, and individual purpose in the process of taking this route of togetherness with her. I could never be the person I really wanted to be for her because through our relationship I could never feel the complete freedom to dive into my dreams relentlessly like I wanted to. She was so passionate about us, and wanted so much of my time. And I truly loved being with her, but my time alone was so necessary for my own growth, and for the creation of my dreams. Although I didn’t want to admit it, at this time in my life, it had to be one or the other, my dreams or her, and in my megalomaniac madness, I continually tried to merge eros and agape all at the same time. It split me in two. I became a force against nature, trying to create new coding for something which overall wasn’t necessary and wasn’t aligned with the universal flow of my life. I tried to be too much all at once. It killed me.

Now, with everything broken, there’s this longing inside of me for things to be together again, to go back, to have a chance to be and feel alive again, to still feel my dreams are here for me to achieve. Yet, I’ve become so detached from that person now. I’ve lost the connection to the deepest threads of my soul. And each feeling I now have of longing for the energy of the old me brings with it the sudden experience of impossibility. Regret. Disconnection. I am no longer who I was. I know I can no longer move forward positively from here, to create a life I’m still proud of. I don’t know how to create anything out of this destruction. I don’t want to be this person now. I don’t want this story. I want my old story extended into the infinity I originally wanted to reach. This is not it. I am off the grid now, in limbo land, a ghost, with memories of real dreams, purpose, and love that are no longer available for me. It drives me insane. I feel like I have gone mad. My mind has no idea how to function anymore.

It feels like a big slow joke really. Almost like I slowly killed myself in this relationship just for the fun of it. How deceptive love can be. It’s funny, how we can somehow optimistically justify our own suicide and self-sabotage. We keep trying to find ways to make things work that are actually killing us. Calling it love because we are consciously fighting for it, when deep down inside, we are just allowing our lives and dreams to fall apart and be eaten alive. I never wanted to admit that I was making the wrong choice. That the timing of our relationship was off. That we weren’t actually helping each other. I could have at any time. I kept trying to convince myself that this was all good for me and her, that us being together was helping me and her become the best people we could be in this world. But somewhere, deep in my heart, like a soft whisper, I knew I was walking further and further into the darkness the longer I stayed. I was slowly losing the life I wanted to live with each step I took. And now there’s no going back. I was aware of it, but continued to ignore it. I made the decision to walk this way too many times. The energy of my love has turned to bitterness, resentment, and regret now. I love her more than anything. But I know I made a mistake, and now I can’t fix it.

She didn’t deserve this. We could have created something so beautiful together. I know it, in the depths of my soul. We never even got to feel the full extent of what I know our combined love is possible of. It bothers me that this wasn’t a failure of the potential of our love, but was a failure of the timing of our union. But now, all we both get to feel for each other is this connected pain between us. I feel stupid, for not being more aware of what I was doing, for not thinking with clarity when I decided to enter a relationship with her. I never make important life-changing decisions like that on a whim. I still am so perplexed with why I did it. How I allowed this to happen. I should have headed down my individual path, and allowed our mutual love to develop and marinade over time, to a point where it was truly ready to blossom. It wasn’t ready yet. But now it’s gone.

I feel bitter towards love now. Because love used to be my message, my universal purpose, my answer for all things. Yet, now, I have destroyed love. For not just me, but for the person I prematurely unified my soul with. And she was perfect, wonderful, a beautiful ocean of love and mystery with a universal connection to everything. I feel horrible, for walking her this way, to the planet of despair and regret, when we could have easily created such a wondrous love story together if we were willing to take the world on our own and trust the fate of our love to the tests of time. She didn’t deserve this. She certainly doesn’t deserve to deal with me killing myself now. But I just don’t know what to do now.

The hard part I find now is writing all of these suicide notes. Printing them out. Doing the things that need to be done. Getting things prepared for the end. And somehow finding a way to muster up the courage to just do it. It doesn’t feel like I’m supposed to be here.

What really sucks is feeling like this pain won’t end too, even when I terminate my physical existence. Of discovering that I’m leaving but actually just entering another level of limbo, regret, and continued rot. Of not being freed from my own mistakes. Just being forced to decay further. That’s the ultimate fear for me. As well as leaving behind a mass of destruction for everyone I am connected to that completely doesn’t deserve this. I wish there was a way to disappear without causing shame and a mess behind me for everyone I love. These people I love do not deserve this. But at the same time, I really cannot imagine moving forward in my life in any way that’s productive. It feels like I’m being forced to kill myself. It no longer feels like I have a real choice. Growth no longer feels like an option, and my soul craves growth. It feels like my life has come to a forced halt. These lessons weren’t the lessons I was supposed to learn. I know that. The complexity and futility of the mental trap drives my mind insane. I wind up wanting to just end it because I’m tired of knowing that things can’t get better, while every now and then getting that occasional spark of life which has nowhere to go to find meaning. And at this point, that spark and longing is so small now, that it can’t even light up a room.