What do you do when you literally suck at everything in life? Over the past few years I have tried all kinds of things and found that I am not an intellect (I even struggle with basic thoughts the average person has no trouble with), I’m weak and uncoordinated, below average in appearance, lack any artistic creative ability, and even in my depression I fail to be authentic. Most of my friends have gone on to “find themselves”. They have discovered hidden talents, or at the least, are doing things they enjoy. I find that I am unable to enjoy anything really. I have an incredibly difficult time remembering new information and will forget basic things, like which number is which. I feel like a 90 year old in a 20-something body, seeing other people my age brimming with and potential while realizing that I am spent. All those cheesy encouragements of “finding oneself”, “realizing the value of a life” do not apply to me. I am profoundly worthless. I just wish I could be good at one goddamn thing, leave my mark on something, or in the least, genuinely enjoy something the way I was meant to in the human experience. My life is humiliating, so much so that I deleted my old facebook as I am ashamed of the way I have lived my life until now. I am nothing to be proud of. I think incessantly about suicide, though death is not really what I want. I just wish I could start over as someone else. I want to be a whole new human, a better one than I am now, but by definition I just plain suck.
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I can’t tell you what to do with yourself, only share my own personal struggles with myself.
There were times I really hated myself and obsessed with my imperfections. What made it worse was I knew if I could fix my imperfections I’d be ‘amazing’…this went on for a number of years until I finally decided to just set it aside and focus on what I wanted out of life-because I knew I couldn’t really change who I was.
Don’t get me wrong, in many ways I still hate myself and my life a great deal and if suicide was an easy thing to do, I would’ve done it already.
But at the same time I realized there were things about this world/life that I enjoyed and decided to pursue, despite how I feel about myself.
There are millions of very ordinary, unattractive people who live very fully happy lives…so if that’s something you want you could do the same, by simply trying to be the best you can but letting go of the things you cannot change about yourself.
The other options are suicide or just being depressed for many years and never getting anything out of life. For me depression is never an option-I’d either kill myself or live a life and I’m doing the latter.
I’m middle-aged, time flies super-fast, so I know I won’t be around too long, but while I’m still here I am going to try to create experiences for myself that make me happy, like traveling, dating and so forth. But to get there I have to make more money and that’s what I’m working on now.