I know that the thin wire stretching across one side of the cliff to the other will not break or ware, its strong enough to get me there, its just the conditions that I know I will face when I start crossing the thin wire is what blocks me from trying. the other side of wire leading me to the other cliff is well, a better place, not only for me mentally but a better situation, a new start, a new chapter in my life. The dark days will be over and I can move on from this nightmare I have been living the last several years. The mountain I climbed to get to the cliff where I stand now has been an awful journey. I have been in the worst of conditions, mentally, physically. I have wanted to give up during that journey and somedays I still want to give up. I have traveled great lengths to overcome some of the most darkest days, I climbed up steep hills and crossed weak bridges to get to the thin wire I stare at now. I know there is no looking back, I am holding to what little hope I have, its microscopic but its just the right amount that got me to where I am now. Crossing the wire is going to be scary, terrifying and there will be times I will just want to fall off of it and let go. I know that crossing this wire is ultimately bring me peace and help me heal from the pain, the PTSD from past experiences, the depression, anxiety, etc. This is the moment I have been waiting for, to get the courage to cross the wire, its going to be a long journey and the wind and weather will try to knock me over, but I will stay strong and head held high, I want to smile again. No masks or lies, a genuine smile, because I am happy. I know I will fall down when I reach the other side but getting up and brushing myself off will be so much easier than before. I know now that I am strong and can believe in myself. I know I am not alone and even though a lot of my journey as been alone, I have hope and strength holding my hand along the way. Now its just a matter of time before I take that first step towards being okay again. I still struggle with my cutting and my suicidal thoughts, the eating disorder and anxiety, but I need to say goodbye to those things that weigh me down, I want to feel like I can breathe with out something to pull along. I want to take advantage of the hope that I am feeling right now, I feel really depressed but there is hope. It is small but doing its best to push me along, I have to stay strong. Why? because staying strong is all I have left. I want to be able to move on from this train wreck. I am done being in the dark and feeling so low. I know this hope may not last a while but I want to take my first step on that wire so I can get a little bit closer to the next chapter in my life..
My post for hope and strength to move me along.