Being short has affected me since I was young. It started some time during elementary school. I was always the shortest guy but I was able to cope with it since I figured I would catch up eventually. Same story during middle school. Same with highschool. Slowly it started bothering me more and more until I realized I’m a degenerate. I stopped growing when I was around age 12 or 13 and my final height is 5’5 and 1/2. I gave up on life when I was 16.5. I am currently 21.5.
I used to be very athletic. It wasn’t a hobby to me, it was an obsession. Even that word seems like an understatement. As a 12 year old I would do 100 pushups in 1 minute and 20 seconds along with other random stuff. I exercised methodically for 4 years everyday unless I was sick. Skip to age 16.5 at the last month I exercised, I did 16-17,000 pushups with 45 lb on my back, 51,000 situps, lifted a 20lb dumbbell around 1,800 times per arm without stopping (around 1 time per 2 seconds) so 2 hours total because I only had 1 20 lb dumbbell, and almost maxed the machines for 2 years in the highschool I used to go to (of course including the final month). I went twice a week because it was only open for 2 days in a week. I also ran 2.5 miles on my own to create supposed microfractures on my legs, then I would stretch for an hour. I also would jump 100 times with ankle weights on my legs. I also slept with ankle weights on my legs. I did other things too but those are the highlights.
AND I was going to DOUBLE all of that the month afterwards too but I stopped abruptly because it finally hit me that I wasn’t going to grow anymore.
I remember how obsessed I was with my height. Nearly every single day I would always check my height. For years I did this. I lied to myself, telling myself “hey I think I’m actually growing, I think I see progress”. For years I thought “I think I see a cm”. Eventually reality hit me and I realized I’m a degenerate. Inferior to every human. I wanted to kill myself ever since. Every second of everyday ever since I stopped investing into this body, every second without a hint of an exaggeration I have wanted to die.
Exercising was my linchpin. It was the ONLY thing holding me together. I never had any real friends, only acquaintances. I simply never related to anyone. I never went out, it was simply school and training my body to its ultimate limit. That’s all I needed to be sane. If only I were 5’9 I never would have been so broken, I never would have felt so inferior.
I never wanted a companion before, my goal in life was simply to get a home, buy many kinds of weights, and train every moment I was free until the day I died. That’s all I needed to be happy but being shorter than the average male has made me feel so inferior. Like if my genes are a symbol of trash.
To summarize my thoughts, I feel no one saw the potential I saw in myself in either body or mind.
Body: If someone saw my potential in terms of body, they would have helped me obtain a height surgery in beijing (costs around 50k for 10cm). No one helped me (namely my parents).
Mind: I personally saw highschool as a waste of time. Why?
1) it comes across as a “daycare for teens”.
2) all it is is basically general ed which doesn’t help anyone find a job
3) classes are a year long when they should only be a semester long. In other words, highschool should be 2 years at a maximum
4) Ap tests and ap classes are inefficient from my experience. What I mean is I’ve never passed an ap test yet I had no problems getting A’s in college. Basically what I’m saying is it’s easier to get an A in an intro level college class (such as a general ed) than it is to get a 3 in an ap test from my personal experience making ap tests extremely redundant in my eyes.
I am depressed that
1) I could have graduated from highschool a semester earlier if it wasn’t for the “a-g” requirement.
2) I TRIED taking college classes at a community college as a sophmore in highschool but was very confused at the time on how to register for college and on how to have college credit also count for highschool credit. I asked my counselor and she basically said “I don’t know about that”.
Worst part? She didn’t even tell me to ask a college counselor. I didn’t even know that was a thing until I was graduating from highschool. Also I tried going to the college itself and for some reason I went to the wrong campus or something like that. Basically I figured maybe it just wasn’t meant to be. I shouldn’t have given up so easily but oh well. I want to kill myself for just this alone. Wasted potential= I want to die with all my heart. You know, taking college classes, I noticed that the INTRO level ones are really not all that much harder than the highschool counterparts. If anything I would argue I had an easier time getting A’s in college than in highschool. The freaking irony.
3) Above all, I regret not just attempting to get a g.e.d. when in middle school. I knew this one guy during this one class, he was a highschool dropout, also his work ethic wasn’t all that there. Point is, he told me he dropped out of highschool but years later when his memory of highschool was basically gone, he took like a 6 month program or something like that, and guess what? He passed and got a g.e.d. Basically, if he could do it, I don’t see why I as a 12-13 year old couldn’t.
Basically back to the MAIN point. If someone believed in my potential in terms of mind, they would have helped me study for a g.e.d. (and yes it would be realistic for me to pass. I argue this because my memories of my 12-13 year old self are still FRESH. I’m basically the same exact guy now as I was during those ages) and after I got a g.e.d., I could have started college by age 14, get an associates by age 16, then work for 2 years (if working would be a problem at that age, I would simply attempt to get emancipated), and by age 18, I could have had enough money for a height surgery in beijing but yet again, my parents failed me. They didn’t see the potential I saw in myself.
Basically this life fell below my expectations in BOTH body AND mind and because of this, I have given up.
I want to kill myself so badly.
After a gave up on life at age 16.5 because of my height, I started to let this body go. Eventually I started to weigh 120 pounds.
I was going to go to ucr for env engineering but I cancelled my registration (for the best anyways since I was fed up with math). Some time after my hs graduation (I didn’t even show up for it), I was sent to the mental institute by my parents. I was there for 2 weeks. When I got out, I figured I would register for a community college. Turns out I registered late so all the classes were pretty packed. I took some gen eds. A year later during the following fall, I just dropped everything. I stopped showing up to my classes and I would just lay in bed in a fetal position. I thought about suicide every single day ever since I gave up on life at age 16.5. I couldn’t actually get myself to commit suicide with a knife or by hanging so I told myself, “I will kill myself by doing literally nothing” so I laid there. I folded a couple of times until one time where I didn’t eat or drink anything for 2, possibly 3 days. I was dead serious about it (who knows maybe I would have stopped myself), but then, yet again, the people from the mental institute came and took me away. When I came back from there, basically the same person, I basically didn’t do anything for the rest of the year. The following fall I went to another community college.
I am almost done with an associates in what seems to be a marketable field…. but still, this thoughts of death are just as fresh as when I was 16.5..
Maybe I have improved I suppose but only slightly. I currently weigh 170lb, which is still pathetic considering I should be at least 250lb but oh well.. it’s hard to gain weight when all I can think about is death.
My current goal is basically to just graduate by age 22 and hopefully get an okay paying job.. then maybe get a height surgery by the age of 24… instead of age 18 which is when I was SUPPOSED to get it in the first place but whatever..
I still wonder, can I make it for 2 more years like this?
1) my life feels like a miniature hell.
2) this height HAS traumatized me. I don’t expect many to understand as I doubt my obsession was common. I don’t like the term body builder but that is essentially what I wanted to become and height is an extremely important prerequisite in MY opinion.
3) I feel like I am 6 years behind in life (4 from going to highschool and 2 from that drama after highschool).
I used to be very optimistic, very ambitious, now look at me. I lost my will to live. I am not going to exercise like that ever again. Out of laziness? No, out of a broken spirit. Exercising was my linchpin but simply getting the surgeries won’t bring my resolve back.. I miss my obsession, it was a part of me.
ALL of this just because of a couple of inches breaking my ego. Can you freaking believe it? I can’t believe just a few inches left me THIS emasculated. I seriously can’t believe this happened to me..
All because of a few inches making me feel like a man trapped into a body of a little boy. I can’t believe just a few inches broke me like this.. I’m not so sure I will be able to cope for 2.5 more years… My dream was so simple, just get a home, buy weights, and train until the day I died… that’s all I wanted. All I needed was average genes, why did I have to be a degenerate and why must suicide be so hard.. the worst part of all, I believe in God and I have a feeling that God wants me to burn in hell.. I can’t consider myself a Christian anymore, not at all. I have become so rotten to the core. I hate life, I hate God, I hate how suicide is hard, and I hate how even if I succeed in suicide, chances are I will go to hell.. I hate how all my potential in both body and mind are gone and all that is left is an empty shell.