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Suicide short male

by water

Being short has affected me since I was young. It started some time during elementary school. I was always the shortest guy but I was able to cope with it since I figured I would catch up eventually. Same story during middle school. Same with highschool. Slowly it started bothering me more and more until I realized I’m a degenerate. I stopped growing when I was around age 12 or 13 and my final height is 5’5 and 1/2. I gave up on life when I was 16.5. I am currently 21.5.

I used to be very athletic. It wasn’t a hobby to me, it was an obsession. Even that word seems like an understatement. As a 12 year old I would do 100 pushups in 1 minute and 20 seconds along with other random stuff. I exercised methodically for 4 years everyday unless I was sick. Skip to age 16.5 at the last month I exercised, I did 16-17,000 pushups with 45 lb on my back, 51,000 situps, lifted a 20lb dumbbell around 1,800 times per arm without stopping (around 1 time per 2 seconds) so 2 hours total because I only had 1 20 lb dumbbell, and almost maxed the machines for 2 years in the highschool I used to go to (of course including the final month). I went twice a week because it was only open for 2 days in a week. I also ran 2.5 miles on my own to create supposed microfractures on my legs, then I would stretch for an hour. I also would jump 100 times with ankle weights on my legs. I also slept with ankle weights on my legs. I did other things too but those are the highlights.

AND I was going to DOUBLE all of that the month afterwards too but I stopped abruptly because it finally hit me that I wasn’t going to grow anymore.

I remember how obsessed I was with my height. Nearly every single day I would always check my height. For years I did this. I lied to myself, telling myself “hey I think I’m actually growing, I think I see progress”. For years I thought “I think I see a cm”. Eventually reality hit me and I realized I’m a degenerate. Inferior to every human. I wanted to kill myself ever since. Every second of everyday ever since I stopped investing into this body, every second without a hint of an exaggeration I have wanted to die.

Exercising was my linchpin. It was the ONLY thing holding me together. I never had any real friends, only acquaintances. I simply never related to anyone. I never went out, it was simply school and training my body to its ultimate limit. That’s all I needed to be sane. If only I were 5’9 I never would have been so broken, I never would have felt so inferior.

I never wanted a companion before, my goal in life was simply to get a home, buy many kinds of weights, and train every moment I was free until the day I died. That’s all I needed to be happy but being shorter than the average male has made me feel so inferior. Like if my genes are a symbol of trash.

To summarize my thoughts, I feel no one saw the potential I saw in myself in either body or mind.

Body: If someone saw my potential in terms of body, they would have helped me obtain a height surgery in beijing (costs around 50k for 10cm). No one helped me (namely my parents).

Mind: I personally saw highschool as a waste of time. Why?
1) it comes across as a “daycare for teens”.
2) all it is is basically general ed which doesn’t help anyone find a job
3) classes are a year long when they should only be a semester long. In other words, highschool should be 2 years at a maximum
4) Ap tests and ap classes are inefficient from my experience. What I mean is I’ve never passed an ap test yet I had no problems getting A’s in college. Basically what I’m saying is it’s easier to get an A in an intro level college class (such as a general ed) than it is to get a 3 in an ap test from my personal experience making ap tests extremely redundant in my eyes.

I am depressed that
1) I could have graduated from highschool a semester earlier if it wasn’t for the “a-g” requirement.
2) I TRIED taking college classes at a community college as a sophmore in highschool but was very confused at the time on how to register for college and on how to have college credit also count for highschool credit. I asked my counselor and she basically said “I don’t know about that”.
Worst part? She didn’t even tell me to ask a college counselor. I didn’t even know that was a thing until I was graduating from highschool. Also I tried going to the college itself and for some reason I went to the wrong campus or something like that. Basically I figured maybe it just wasn’t meant to be. I shouldn’t have given up so easily but oh well. I want to kill myself for just this alone. Wasted potential= I want to die with all my heart. You know, taking college classes, I noticed that the INTRO level ones are really not all that much harder than the highschool counterparts. If anything I would argue I had an easier time getting A’s in college than in highschool. The freaking irony.
3) Above all, I regret not just attempting to get a g.e.d. when in middle school. I knew this one guy during this one class, he was a highschool dropout, also his work ethic wasn’t all that there. Point is, he told me he dropped out of highschool but years later when his memory of highschool was basically gone, he took like a 6 month program or something like that, and guess what? He passed and got a g.e.d. Basically, if he could do it, I don’t see why I as a 12-13 year old couldn’t.

Basically back to the MAIN point. If someone believed in my potential in terms of mind, they would have helped me study for a g.e.d. (and yes it would be realistic for me to pass. I argue this because my memories of my 12-13 year old self are still FRESH. I’m basically the same exact guy now as I was during those ages) and after I got a g.e.d., I could have started college by age 14, get an associates by age 16, then work for 2 years (if working would be a problem at that age, I would simply attempt to get emancipated), and by age 18, I could have had enough money for a height surgery in beijing but yet again, my parents failed me. They didn’t see the potential I saw in myself.
….

Basically this life fell below my expectations in BOTH body AND mind and because of this, I have given up.

I want to kill myself so badly.
After a gave up on life at age 16.5 because of my height, I started to let this body go. Eventually I started to weigh 120 pounds.

I was going to go to ucr for env engineering but I cancelled my registration (for the best anyways since I was fed up with math). Some time after my hs graduation (I didn’t even show up for it), I was sent to the mental institute by my parents. I was there for 2 weeks. When I got out, I figured I would register for a community college. Turns out I registered late so all the classes were pretty packed. I took some gen eds. A year later during the following fall, I just dropped everything. I stopped showing up to my classes and I would just lay in bed in a fetal position. I thought about suicide every single day ever since I gave up on life at age 16.5. I couldn’t actually get myself to commit suicide with a knife or by hanging so I told myself, “I will kill myself by doing literally nothing” so I laid there. I folded a couple of times until one time where I didn’t eat or drink anything for 2, possibly 3 days. I was dead serious about it (who knows maybe I would have stopped myself), but then, yet again, the people from the mental institute came and took me away. When I came back from there, basically the same person, I basically didn’t do anything for the rest of the year. The following fall I went to another community college.
I am almost done with an associates in what seems to be a marketable field…. but still, this thoughts of death are just as fresh as when I was 16.5..

Maybe I have improved I suppose but only slightly. I currently weigh 170lb, which is still pathetic considering I should be at least 250lb but oh well.. it’s hard to gain weight when all I can think about is death.

My current goal is basically to just graduate by age 22 and hopefully get an okay paying job.. then maybe get a height surgery by the age of 24… instead of age 18 which is when I was SUPPOSED to get it in the first place but whatever..

I still wonder, can I make it for 2 more years like this?
1) my life feels like a miniature hell.
2) this height HAS traumatized me. I don’t expect many to understand as I doubt my obsession was common. I don’t like the term body builder but that is essentially what I wanted to become and height is an extremely important prerequisite in MY opinion.
3) I feel like I am 6 years behind in life (4 from going to highschool and 2 from that drama after highschool).

I used to be very optimistic, very ambitious, now look at me. I lost my will to live. I am not going to exercise like that ever again. Out of laziness? No, out of a broken spirit. Exercising was my linchpin but simply getting the surgeries won’t bring my resolve back.. I miss my obsession, it was a part of me.

ALL of this just because of a couple of inches breaking my ego. Can you freaking believe it? I can’t believe just a few inches left me THIS emasculated. I seriously can’t believe this happened to me..
All because of a few inches making me feel like a man trapped into a body of a little boy. I can’t believe just a few inches broke me like this.. I’m not so sure I will be able to cope for 2.5 more years… My dream was so simple, just get a home, buy weights, and train until the day I died… that’s all I wanted. All I needed was average genes, why did I have to be a degenerate and why must suicide be so hard.. the worst part of all, I believe in God and I have a feeling that God wants me to burn in hell.. I can’t consider myself a Christian anymore, not at all. I have become so rotten to the core. I hate life, I hate God, I hate how suicide is hard, and I hate how even if I succeed in suicide, chances are I will go to hell.. I hate how all my potential in both body and mind are gone and all that is left is an empty shell.

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Lesswill 10/9/2016 - 11:50 pm

Height surgery? For real. I think what you need to try to do is to accept yourself for who you are and ignore your past failures. Life isn’t a journey where we keep looking behind us but rather it is a road where we just have to keep moving on. Please for my sake be OK.

AgentQ 10/10/2016 - 12:26 am

That’s a lot of numbers.

AgentQ 10/10/2016 - 12:29 am

I don’t think you’ll ever find masculinity in those numbers.

lastdance 10/10/2016 - 3:15 am

There is something deeply broken in your mind for you to think the way you do. Did you have any trauma in your life? Did you have any love or guidance whatsoever from your parents, who you just keep saying should have given you surgery to increase your height? Sounds like you have lived an extremely isolated life-why no friends? You’re not a degenerate! You sound like you’re very healthy and well-built (until you let yourself go). You are putting yourself in some kind of emotional prison and punishing yourself every day because you’re 5’5″!!! You’ve lost out on what you really need to survive-good relationships-because you decided a 5’5″ person deserves nothing!!! Why? Have you looked around-have you seen other guys as short or shorter than you? They are out there-do you hate them? Do you think their lives are worthless? Our idea of what height should be is based on changing things like culture and diet. I was married to a guy who was 5’4″-I thought he was attractive, and I’m 5’9″!!! The only reason we broke up was because he became abusive, but I liked how he looked. Please, stop being so mean to the 5’5″ guy that you happen to be. Think about how much you have been able to accomplish and how much you can accomplish in the future if you just let that poor guy have a life and stop punishing him for something beyond his control. You think being taller will solve your problems? Think again-pain, disappointment, difficulty and struggle come to people of ALL sizes. You have gifts to share as a person, and there are people out there who will appreciate them. If anyone gives you grief because of your size, it is because THEY have a problem, not YOU. Give yourself a chance!!!

postcard 10/10/2016 - 1:33 pm

Honestly? Being tall isn’t that great either. You’re always the first person to be noticed in a group of people, and when you have social anxiety like myself, that is hell every time you leave the house. And you bang your head against things, like when you exit a train, and all those people standing outside look at you like you are some blunderhead who doesn’t know what he’s doing. Growing a lot also means you end up with a horrible posture, unless you go to the gym regularly (which I am way to lazy to do).

We always only see the negative side of what we have and are, and we always wish for what we don’t have. That’s just how the brain works.

nivek 10/10/2016 - 1:52 pm

Average height for males in america according to some sources is 5ft 10 but that’s not the global average which can range from 4ft 8 to 5ft 2

I understand how height can affect your confidence since I’m 5ft 7 and have always wanted to be a little taller but I would not use my height as a reason to end my life in any way at all.

Imagine if you were 7ft tall. That in itself actually decreases your life expectancy. Check out the tallest man in the world and see how being excepionally tall made his life incredibly difficult.

When I analzyed the reasons for my unhappiness, I eventually realized and accepted the unrealistic goals I set myself were really only what I perceived would make me happy and that this feeling of dissatisfaction with myself is actually very common in western society. Everything I believed would make me happy actually didn’t at all so what was the problem?

Externalities impose superficial requirements on each individual in our society. We are told how to talk, what to eat, what to wear and of course that we must look like some super model on the TV screen if we want to be happy.

But this is all bullshit. Nothing outside yourself can make you happy. Absolutely nothing. Whatever void exists in you can only be filled with love for yourself. And I don’t mean being self-absorbed and telling everyone how great you are, not that kind of self-love. I mean just accepting yourself and your limitations and not beating yourself up about it.

It is actually much more difficult for women than men living up to unrealistic expectations set by society and business. But certainly in the last 20 years, there has been a surge in products targeting the male population for hair, skin, body like protein drinks, steroids, penis enhancements, bald solutions..etc

All of these commercial products are obviously going to make you a better person and then you’ll eventually be happy, right? Nope.

Once you realize these unrealistic expectations are merely a ploy by big business to sell products, you eventually start to laugh about it because if we’re honest about it, the whole thing is really absurd.

There are many countries around the world where you would be considered a giant so don’t waste your time on height surgery (if that even exists)

Try to accept yourself as you are and realize that there’s a big world out there and you can live a great life if you want.

MOFIMS 10/10/2016 - 7:30 pm

I don’t know what to tell you but your focusing on the physical way to much. Why is height such a big deal for you? Are the elevator buttons out of reach or is your cupboard too high? I understand there are women out there that don’t give short guys the time but don’t take it personal. That’s just their preference and their entitled to that. Your entitled to love yourself no matter what people think about you and your not doing that. Honestly I’d take freak of nature athletic and short over tall and lanky any day.

water 10/10/2016 - 9:53 pm

I am just very obsessed with masculinity and I see height as a prerequisite to my dream. I wanted to break a few world records too. I saw exercising as a symbol of will power and I wanted a body that justly reflected my spirit. Exercising was extremely symbolic to me. I honestly believe I could have been one of the strongest people on the history of this planet by now if I were never broken but now it’s just too late. I wasn’t looking for a companion but it still feels wrong to be the height of a woman. I tried getting over it but it’s been basically 5 years of this thoughts. It just isn’t possible to move on. I am just too stubborn. I was just too ambitious. My expectations for life were just too high.

MOFIMS 10/11/2016 - 12:48 am

Water, go break some records. I genuinely believe you can based on the regime you mentioned- its freaking impressive. Do your best to distract yourself from that tall guy obsession. Talk it out with a therapist, something might be deeply ingrained in you that your not noticing that is causing this fixation on height. It might be thoughts your father instilled in you. My dad was pretty much out the picture so I never had any male role model to teach guy stuff. I’m still as much a guy as anyone so fuck it I’m not trying to impress anyone, just wanna be me. Everyone has things about them that they wish they could change. Hell, If I worked out the way you do, were more sophisticated, and didn’t have such a big snoz I’d be a handsome looking gentleman if you ask me. But I’m just me and I’m OK with that…for the most part I’ll be honest. But your not cutting yourself any slack and its interfering with your life and for what? Find yourself a hottie lifes too short and there are more important things to worry about. I’m six feet so its rare that I see a chick taller than me but when I do I actually find it extremely attractive especially if they’re pretty.

Frequency 6/29/2018 - 7:17 am

I’m sorry you’re suffering so much. After reading your post and thinking about it for a while, it seems to me that you don’t feel like you have any worth or value unless you’re exceedingly strong or powerful. I’m not sure if I understand why Strength is such a linchpin for you, as you say (but you seem to understand that not everyone will get that). But until you get what it is you believe you need you’re never going to be happy or be able to love yourself.

IMO, even if you become the strongest man in the world or get to become 6 and a half feet tall, if anything else ever happens in your life to make you feel powerless and weak you will probably become suicidal and depressed again.

I would advise you to get some professional help from someone who can solve the puzzle as to why you feel and think the way you do. Having motivation and an open mind to question some of your assumptions about yourself and your life is surely preferable to “suffering in this world so that you can burn in the next one”, as you said on /r9k/. And please don’t misunderstand me as saying that your desire to be strong is bad. I think it’s a good thing that’s allowed you to accomplish some pretty amazing feats…but some of your priorities still seem destructive to me.

And as far as the height thing goes…I’m 5’6, and both of my martial arts instructors are a couple inches shorter than me and I find them to be quite intimidating. I’ve also had aspergers and crippling social anxiety my entire life which has made me suicidal, depressed and hating God before just like you, but my height and skrawniness was never really an issue for me. For your own sake, maybe you should re-examine whether your height is really the end-all-be-all of masculinity and power.

To sum up, it seems like there are some beliefs about yourself that are at the root of your problems. Maybe you should try to figure out what those are and then question whether they are true of not before trying to off yourself. Also, please don’t get mad at God. I will be praying for you.

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