I have been strong, day after day, week after week, month after month, year after year, I have tried to put my mask on and smile, I seem to not be very good at it.. the sadness, anger, hopelessness, seems to fall out and show themselves threw the cracks, ridges and edges of my mask, people see right through my mask. I have bottled up my emotions and pushed them aside for way to long, I am always followed by those rainy days that won’t go away. There are rainclouds that pour and thunder right over my head. I am done trying to let the storm pass by itself, I pushed and pulled that rain cloud away one too many times to count. That rain cloud comes right back to me, more storms and wind, knocking me down and pinning me to the ground. I get back up but a little bit weaker than the last time I fell. I have always dusted off my knees and brushed off my elbows but this time the wounds became to deep. I can’t heal them. I have screamed and cried for help but no one ever usually sees me. If someone does see me? they glance over over towards me, glare and keep walking. Every once in a blue moon, someone like my friend will stop, look at me, rush to my side and help me up, brushing off the dirt and healing the wounds, push away the rain, usually not long though, the storm comes back stronger than the persons capabilities love to push it away, they get knocked down with me and become angry, they look at me with hate in their eyes, get themselves up and run away leaving me on the ground in the middle of the storm. They don’t look back. Once someone falls down with me, they never bother looking back. I get given up on easily, I always seem to do or say something that pushes them away. My eyes hurt from the crying, my head hurts from the stress, my heart hurts from the pain. I am a fighter, my depression is no match for my strength. But thats only no the good days, the bad days always seem to feel like they will never end. My stomach churns and my head spins, I have lost control. Maybe its true… I am better off dead.. I just may have the courage to try again, to attempt suicide. The emotional damage and trauma I have received from not only my family but my friends.. Really makes a girl wonder.. Would it be okay if I was gone? for years I have dealt with the suicidal ideation, I have always been a fighter. I push through the tough times,but always come out a little bit weaker, I am sick to my stomach with rage, sadness and anxiety.
I can’t keep pushing the rainy days away.
Xo, Love always,