The night is so awake downtown, as if no one has bothered to acknowledge that the sun has been fast asleep for hours now. But at least it’s peaceful, I’ll give it that. Every now and then the cute couple bundled in their double-breasted coats and thrift store scarves will skip on by, clinging to one another with a passionate sense of need and desire. It doesn’t sadden me as much anymore, to see the youth so heavily involved in romanticism and late-night coffee dates. It just sickens me. I could be like that too. I could be happy. But another semi-nauseating drag from a Camel Blue and I’m reminded why I can’t be like that. I could never provide that crutch, for I’m far too brittle to be leaned on…to be useful in any way. I have always, and will always, want to die. No matter how many laughs I’ll have with my cousin when he’s half a bottle deep and im too high to remember how; No matter every sensual moment that I have when I look into the eyes of a girl I could never have; No matter all the countless hours spent with the warmth of the sun on my face, or the gentle caressing of a thousand tiny snowflakes against my cheek in the winter. None of it will ever compare to the day I can just be rid of it all. The loneliness, the isolation, the feeling of not being useful to anyone. It’s so difficult. Just take me in my sleep. At least then all my family and my one friend, that beautiful girl…at least then they won’t think I abandoned them. But that’s just asking too much from this world.
7 comments
That was beautifully written. You’re not useless. The way you describe what you see shows how connected and in tune with the world around you. I look forward to reading more of your posts. Thank you so much for sharing.
Thank you, I am glad someone shares interest in writing. It’s a lost form these days and I wish I were better at writing to do it some justice. But none the less, you are very welcome, I will make it a point to read what you have to say as well.
it was nice to read your post, I can relate. getting older sucks, nothing changes for the better in my world.
This is exactly it… people say there is plenty to live for. But there is nothing.
Getting older used to seem like such an amazing experience to anticipate over the years. But the more cigarettes I smoked, the paler and more wrinkled my face became. I am only turning 22 here soon but my eyes are so sunken and my skin so dry that I can’t think of a time that I was actually ID’d at a bar or a dispensary. I figured I would be a dapper looking individual, but I may as well be taken as your every day crack pusher who still has all his teeth. Glad I quit when I did, but I don’t go a day without wanting to smoke through a whole pack.
that desire is understandable, the sickening at the couples…. Although I’ve never personally been sickened as I get saddened instead. Although I do kind of have close relationships now, it still does that. :/ I am certain that you are not useless to anybody, and at least you do have some experiences that are worth having…. I do hope that you manage to form more.
I understand, I think after a while my outlook changed because I became more and more jaded as the events took place throughout my life. I thought I of all people would be the first to end their life, and yet I am still here and 2 of my friends have beat me to it. I see all the happy folk sauntering down the sidewalk, and wonder if they have ever felt this degree of pain before. Is it even possible to smile like they do, after losing so much and never gaining anything to replace it?