first time using this site i hope im doing this right. anyway to outline my current situation, im a complete fucking failure at anything i ever do. im diagnosed with depression and general anxiety and probably have something else mixed in there but at this point im too scared to get checked out.
anyway, ive had(noticed) anxiety since third grade and depression since sixth.i found out i had anxiety in fifth grade and found out i had depression in ninth grade. i am currently in tenth grade.
ive gone through 3 medications so far and none of them work. it feels like this all is some sick joke the world is playing on me, seeng how long it will be until i finally kill myself. its been especially awful the past few months as i just started grade 10 and it feels like every little thing that happens is a tiny curse at me and pushes me down the pathway of suicide. no one knows im suicidal because i know damn well what fucking happens when you tell someone that.
my life overall isnt that bad. except for my failing grades and you know..mental illness. ever since about eighth grade my marks began to plummet. i was a straight a student until then, i made the honor roll and got praised from worlds over. my whole family and friends want to know what happened but they dont undesttand its so hard. i have some mediocre friends (i take what i can get) and after mentioning my failing grades all they can say is “why arent you trying harder”. it feels like im stuck in a loop like every day repeats like some fucked up version of groundhog day. nothing ever changes except my marks get worse and worse (who knew you could do worse than failing: a memoir by me)
i dont know why im writing this. i dont know anything anymore. today i casually mentioned suicide to two of my friends. one said same and the other freaked out and threatened to call the hospital.
i break down in tears at least twice a day nowadays. guess my friends have learned to ignore it by now. first couple of times they crowded me and kept bugging me and after that it became sickening routine. i wake up i go to class i cry i go to lunch i go to class i cry i go home i cut i sleep.
the only thing thats stopping me from killing myself so far is my own weakness. fuck waiting for smething. fuck saying killing yourself is weak because if it was i would have done it. i lost count how many times i attempted but i always stop at the end and tuck it all away go to school the next day and listen to my friends remind me how much of a failure i am.
i just need help but i cant do it because they will lock me up. one of my good friends (my only good friends live hundreds of miles away lolll) has been admitted to a mental hospital and she told her story and i cant go through that.
i hope when i finally kill myself i become a ghost so i can see what everyone thinks of me dying.the “important ones” wouldnt find out, and the others wouldnt care.
anyway, its thursday today, i have a test and project due tomorrow. im not going to study, and im not going to finish my project. im going to cry again tomorrow and no one will care about me again tomorrow. on sunday i will try and kill myself again and when it inevitally doesnt work because im a ***** ***** ive decided im staying home from school until . i dont know. until i die or im admitted to a mental hospital or somehow i feel better. something tells me im going to the hospital first
all i want anymore is death. all i want is to die.
ive always been bad at writing. ive always been bad at everything
sorry
3 comments
you have great credit and you have a clean body with no fucked up tattoos. You have a bright future and are not a college drop out. You are fine and great and beautiful.
Don’t end this beautiful piece with a word like “sorry”. You wrote this wonderfully.
In general, if somebody has not gone through we have at all, they will not understand, at all. Nobody will understand why you are failing, why you can’t “just try harder”. It doesn’t work that way… I am partially failing too. Half my grades are shit, and sometimes I just can’t help not doing my work….. I get it.. because I feel like what’s the point, it doesn’t matter so I just give up or don’t do it…. Listen, nobody has to understand, but you yourself must understand, and I’m sure you do. You have to know yourself the best… try your hardest.. even if depression beats the shit out of you, do what you can. Try to push through, try to escape the darkness, do more than you think you can, but it’s not easy…
vulturehearts, don’t kill yourself… don’t attempt to end your life. Stay here, make it through high school. find a passion if you can, become independent and see how different life can be on your own or semi-on your own.
One last thing… seek help on your own terms, it can go easier for you. You can be admitted to a place that can help you, against your will. But if you willingly do it, willingly find your help, it will go better for you. Nobody says you have to be locked up. You don’t. It’s easier to seek help sooner, than later. Take care of yourself.
~Oathkeeper
Hello my friend
I have depression too..
But you know im still living and okay.. sometimes..
But yeah I do keep living..