Worthless loser

Those are good words to describe me. Words that I do have carved into my skin, so I’ll never forget what I am…. But I did almost forget for a little bit, I shouldn’t make that mistake again. I haven’t been around here much recently (the past 3-4 months) because things have been going quite well, and I was feeling decently good things…. I always wanted to check in here because I missed a lot of people from here, but always felt overwhelmed when I came back. There was just so much, and I don’t like the idea of just cherry picking posts to reply to because that doesn’t seem fair, I used to try to reply to every post, all of them…. I replied to everyone that I could think of a way to reply too, and would feel bad if I couldn’t come up with something, it just bothered me to see posts without replies, just because a post without comments kind of makes it seem like nobody cares 🙁 which I know isn’t true…. Not that I really count as somebody. But meh like I said I wasn’t around here because I was almost forgetting those two descriptors of me. But I have slowly been reminded of them, like a bit over a week ago I cut myself again…. it wasn’t too bad but I did…. I pre much got in a fight with one of my few friends and blocked them everywhere…. went off and cut myself, that problem was resolved I didn’t lose this friend…. they were just very upset at me…. we even went to wallmart after that. I think I mentioned that in my last post, okay after checking I didn’t mention that, but that post was written about 8 hours (around that amount of time) after I had cut myself…. So yeah I can have fairly quick mood swings…. -_- and now today I really want to cut myself, I want to leave scars…. and the reason really is pathetic…. Like a little bit ago, my friend who was my only unemployed friend found themselves a job…. I should be quite happy about this, as now their family no longer hates them and wants them to die, their life has instantly become so much better because of it…. I should be happy right? Nope. I’m not, I was actually kind of upset by it…. As now I am the only person I know who is unemployed…. I shouldn’t be friends with these people, I should be friends with people who are worthless losers just as I am, but I can’t find any others, I’m the only one that exists. I’m even jealous of this, which is pathetic I shouldn’t be…. So I kind of waited until I calmed down a bit and felt like it was safe to congratulate them…. Turns out it wasn’t safe at all…. Not at all…. I didn’t make it apparently to them that I kind of hated them because of it, and then shifted into hating myself a bit more because of it, but rawrgh…. I did a fairly good job of conversing to them normally, then again the normal with them is a bit on the darker side and as always the conversation moved to being about suicide…. So maybe I didn’t hide that very well…. oh well, they seemed to not relate the two…. But I really am decently upset by this, and now I want to cut myself because of this conversation I deserve more scars for my jealousy, and deserve more scars for not being able to find a job, as well as for be a worthless piece of shit. I am so fucked up because I really hate seeing things going well for other people, even my friends…. I hate seeing happy people. It just reminds me of the things I can’t have, and highlights just how strange it is for me not to be able to experience those things, I wish I could at least pretend that it’s normal. I really should just kill myself, as I know I will never feel those things. I will never do those things. I will never have worth. I will never be useful. I will never be deserving of life. I will never be a real person. I wish my parents had a decent son. Everybody would be happier if I never existed. Sadly they’ll be mildly upset when I die. So it would have been so much better for me to have not been born, things would have worked out better that way. I wouldn’t have to kill myself then.

Welp that was a rant, I am either going to cut myself and then try to cry and go to sleep, Over eat try to cry and go to sleep, or drink a bunch of Nyquil try to cry and go to sleep. Or a combination of those things, but I will try to cry anyway. I already tried Masturbation, I’ve been trying to do that more often to try to stop being so asexual. It’s not working, I mean I’ve always kind of enjoyed it but not enough to do it more than once per week, realistically twice per month. And have thought that it may work when I’m feeling like this as an alternative to self harm and such…. but nope it kind of made me feel worse, but it did distract me for a little bit…. Wow that’s a bit more than I probably should have shared…. Then again, I’m clearly not shy here as I’ve devoted entire posts to such things.

Meh either way I guess thanks for reading if you had, it was a little bit long…. Not my longest but still I just can’t keep things brief. I do find talking about things here decent, and I want to try to be here a bit more as I do like it here. anyhow I do hope that you are having a good day ^_^