Contract killer

Hoping this doesn’t count as a ‘method’ – not my intention to break the rules.

For me, suicide is an end to pain. All the ways of ending it sound painful. I’m also spontaneous about it, so when I do have the strong urge to do it, I’m so in the throes of madness that I can’t think straight enough to end my life in a sensible way. And if I’m in a better state – just suicidal but not raging – when I think of the ways, it just exhausts me.

This pain is going to be in and out of my life forever, and I’m so tired of the constant upstream battle. I can’t take it. I would welcome death, even on a good day.

I think about what would happen if I got a terminal illness. In a way it would be a relief.

I would like to die for a cause – to make a difference to something. Women’s rights are worth dying for. I’d die for something about the environment if it made a difference. I’d die if it helped make equality happen. I really like the idea of a useful death. I don’t have anything to quite die for right now though.

I’d die to save other people. They value their lives more than I do. I can be useful to other people.

I often think about having someone else kill me. It could look like an accident, or a murder – either would be better than suicide for people that know me to have to deal with. Maybe it could be a kinky game gone wrong, or a freak murder. I just want a compassionate killer who is going to make it as painless for me as possible. And if it benefits them in some way, good. I don’t want them to take all my money or all my stuff though – I want to leave that to people I love. I wouldn’t mind paying quite a lot for it though.

I could sort it out now and have them do it whenever. Even if I didn’t feel suicidal on the day it happened/happens, I would be happy with it, because it means no more struggling. The pain just goes on and on and off and on and on.

There is stuff to live for. There is. I have a good life. I’m just prone to these kinds of self destructive thoughts. I’ll raise my anti depressant dose and I’ll be ok again.

This is the condition of my life. It’s who I am. For me, happiness will always be a proactive struggle. If I don’t have the energy for it, I’ll sink. I’m going to die sooner or later and it would be easier if it were sooner. Being suicidal is a terminal illness. It’s a painful one.

I wonder if other terminal illnesses are comparable. Is mental pain comparable to physical pain? I don’t have chronic pain so I don’t know. Physical pain can be unbearable though – that constantly would induce all of these thoughts in me. Maybe the answer is for me to get into chronic pain, then dying will look less painful.