The last few weeks have been very emotional and hard to explain. They have been causing me so much pain and sadness that almost everyday now I have been considering death. I know that I have struggled with suicidal thoughts and attempts over the years and have been through hell and back.. I feel like I should know better by now.. the last few weeks in particular have been some pretty dark days, I feel as if I am back to where I was in freshman year of high school, I am slipping into a deep dark place again and I am only letting myself at this point because I am done trying to fight it, after the help I received and the treatment I have gone through over the years. The amount of stress and pressure that college has put me under has made me learn, I was not emotionally ready for college. But then again.. when would I ever be ready? I have always disliked school, I love learning. Knowledge can teach us so many things, its my surroundings that always seem to turn into anxiety and drama. Within the last few weeks I spent some time in a psychiatric hospital. I had attempted suicide yet again. I was released over a week ago and the same pressures, stress, drama, has only turned out to have gotten worse and got to me much quicker.
When I have been thinking about death lately.. I have not been just continuing to attempt and think irrationally. I know that overdoses on pills are not the most easiest way to go.. I have gotten closer at being successful these last few times I have attempted.. As much as I don’t want to live, the thought of dying frightens me, I have been afraid of what will happen when I take my last breath and I close my eyes for the last time and deep down.. I do think about what some people in my life would feel if they knew that I was gone because they were a contribute to my damage, the mental and physical pain I would feel every day. I do not blame anyone for me feeling the way I do, I am effected by the way people in my life treat me but I am responsible for my own feelings. When I think about me not being physically around anymore.. my anxiety goes away for just a split second and I feel a little less pain in my stomach from the constant anxiety I let my body feel.. I could think about death for hours on end in my head when I get in those thought patterns. I do not think about a “plan” or a way I am going to go.. I don’t set “dates” for me anymore because I always will find a reason to chicken out or if I do try.. to get help if I try to overdose on something dangerous, for example, when I overdosed on lithium back in September I went to the hospital and then again a few weeks ago when I overdosed on Gedon (a mood stabilizer that was a non-ssri)
I wait for the day where I won’t chicken out or get help when I next attempt. I am still going to be here for the meantime, however I simply am just wasting away and waiting for the “right time”. I am not running away from the problems in my life or am I giving up because things are too hard for me. Everything happens for a reason in life, regardless if it is fair or not. I have been hurting for a very long time and there really isn’t anyone who can save me or fix me. I really do not think that there is anyone who would be able to stop me.. I have been feeling emotionally empty. My personal challenges aren’t really anything that I can solve… The issues are deep rooted and I feel broken beyond repair.
I have been very emotionally empty and numb, this last week has been the most draining for me. I have lost a friend because he has given up on being a friend to me. He was the best friend I fell in love with. I have been building up feelings for him since college started. I have let my guard down and him into my heart, he not only was a bad friend for me but he broke my heart. Taking advantage of me and pulling me left and right emotionally.. I have been so emotional and an empty person with out him. I know he is “Gay” (I say that with “‘s because the last month and a half or so we started sleeping with each other, he then would wonder if he was bisexual but wasn’t sure…)
I am a fragile and sensitive person, I have gotten tougher through awful situations in my life, and I still am trying to get through the tough parts in my life right now but I am falling apart. My mask is falling apart and I am starting to show my true emotions. I don’t like smiling, laughing is a drain for me, I feel so negative that when a positive thought crosses my mind they are instantly turned to shit. The dark days are winning, I am calling a truce. I don’t want to keep fighting this demon anymore.
I will do my best to try and keep writing here until I am ready..
Thank you for all the love and support all these years.
Thank you for reading this post.