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Guilt, Selfishness, Anger and Depression

by Lazarus

Forgive me for the aggressive, hastily written few paragraphs

I cannot help but be angry with myself for all the pointless bullshit I’ve put myself through.   Fuck, man, I just want to die.  But that’d be pointless.  I’d be leaving behind a path of selfish destruction.

 I’m so fucking selfish for feeling this way.   So fucking guilty of this. Of hating myself and my life and knowing that there isn’t a single possible outcome to my life that would be something I’d like.  I’m lonely. I’m really fucking lonely.  I don’t have anyone.  Nobody.  (Not romantically.  Nothing.  The only person I ever kissed turned around and made it look like… Assault. I fucking asked if it were okay to kiss him.) The people I consider my somewhat-friends that I have I could never actually share anything of my feelings with because I’d feel so damn selfish being this way.  I’d be so damn selfish to want to be free.

I couldn’t even trust them if I wanted to tell them anything.   I just can’t. Not my friends; because it’s my burden to carry, and neither could I tell my parents; Because they’ve both proven themselves untrustworthy…   My parents…  My parents and their demons.  Their anti-therapy anti-mental-anything bullshit because it’s fake, it’s not real, and I’m just stupid.  I don’t have ADHD and i’m not struggling with school because it’s all just perfect.

So let’s just say nobody besides myself knows about anything I’m going through or have ever gone through.

I have a house to live in, food to eat.   My best friend has four legs and drools and my family is together and happy but yet I’m so fucked up I couldn’t do anything besides art.  I’m so angry that I’m like this.  That I stole my parents’ weed when I was 14 and started smoking.  That I started cutting at 13 and I still can’t fucking stop it.  That I didn’t have a “friend” till I was 14.   (I’m talking literally here.  I was homeschooled all my life, and my parents never took me anywhere to see anyone till I started public school again)

Despite everything, I probably just deserve it.  Probably just put bad karma on myself somehow or someway or I’m repaying my parents’ debts in some fucked-up religious way.

I’m just sorry, for everything.  Be it me, apologizing to whatever God I don’t understand or nothing but the void of nothingness itself.  Be it my parents, family, or friends.  I’m just so sorry.  Sorry I couldn’t speak up about it.  I’m sorry I’m so selfish.  So sad. So lost and lonely. I’m so sorry that I’m a cutter, that I’m lonely. I am sorry that I’ve always been like this, I’ve just never made it clear.  Forgive me for this. It’s still just my burden to bear.  It’ll be mine and I’ll take it to my grave.  Because I don’t want to be a mean, stupid, oblivious, selfish burden anymore.

Ahh, I really sound like a whiny little *****, don’t I?

 I really don’t have anything to feel this way about.  I’m so stupid.

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3 comments

Kuvon 11/2/2016 - 4:00 am

sorry youre feeling this way, just know that there is a meaning behind humanity. We aren’t a random happening. And yes, Jesus was made up. Nobody knows god, but the things he has created, just look at the stars and you will see the heavens. Youre not whiny at all, youre emotional, you have a heart. Whatever you do, thats your choice, you know yourself more than anyone.

thehusk 11/2/2016 - 7:09 am

That’s a lot of anger. Maybe look for a healthy outlet for it. If you deny it, it’ll eat you alive.

Laisservivre 11/2/2016 - 2:22 pm

I agree with Kuvon, your not whiny, not stupid, or anything else bad about yourself that you mentioned. No one knows the reason for us all being here, I mean wars are being fought over that very question. No ones got the answer. Some believe that living through the human experience is how we get to the answer. (Not trying to be religious cause I’m not). From your message I can see you very hard on yourself, in my opinion, you need more selfishness, more positive selfishness. Being selfish is often associated with being a bad thing. But for others they aren’t selfish enough and they dont take care of themselves. I know this because what I read in your message is a lot like what runs through my head. Personally I struggle with self-loathing (self-hatred), look it up and you may find a lot of interesting things on it. I know I have. Thing about self loathing is that, if you dont find a healthy way to manage it, it will eat you alive (so I agree with thehusk as well). Its just part of taking care of yourself, because you deserve it, I think you deserve it. Do you think you deserve it? Keep reaching out to us, you would be surprised how much you have in common with people here.

Peace and love.

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