Forgive me for the aggressive, hastily written few paragraphs
I cannot help but be angry with myself for all the pointless bullshit I’ve put myself through. Fuck, man, I just want to die. But that’d be pointless. I’d be leaving behind a path of selfish destruction.
I’m so fucking selfish for feeling this way. So fucking guilty of this. Of hating myself and my life and knowing that there isn’t a single possible outcome to my life that would be something I’d like. I’m lonely. I’m really fucking lonely. I don’t have anyone. Nobody. (Not romantically. Nothing. The only person I ever kissed turned around and made it look like… Assault. I fucking asked if it were okay to kiss him.) The people I consider my somewhat-friends that I have I could never actually share anything of my feelings with because I’d feel so damn selfish being this way. I’d be so damn selfish to want to be free.
I couldn’t even trust them if I wanted to tell them anything. I just can’t. Not my friends; because it’s my burden to carry, and neither could I tell my parents; Because they’ve both proven themselves untrustworthy… My parents… My parents and their demons. Their anti-therapy anti-mental-anything bullshit because it’s fake, it’s not real, and I’m just stupid. I don’t have ADHD and i’m not struggling with school because it’s all just perfect.
So let’s just say nobody besides myself knows about anything I’m going through or have ever gone through.
I have a house to live in, food to eat. My best friend has four legs and drools and my family is together and happy but yet I’m so fucked up I couldn’t do anything besides art. I’m so angry that I’m like this. That I stole my parents’ weed when I was 14 and started smoking. That I started cutting at 13 and I still can’t fucking stop it. That I didn’t have a “friend” till I was 14. (I’m talking literally here. I was homeschooled all my life, and my parents never took me anywhere to see anyone till I started public school again)
Despite everything, I probably just deserve it. Probably just put bad karma on myself somehow or someway or I’m repaying my parents’ debts in some fucked-up religious way.
I’m just sorry, for everything. Be it me, apologizing to whatever God I don’t understand or nothing but the void of nothingness itself. Be it my parents, family, or friends. I’m just so sorry. Sorry I couldn’t speak up about it. I’m sorry I’m so selfish. So sad. So lost and lonely. I’m so sorry that I’m a cutter, that I’m lonely. I am sorry that I’ve always been like this, I’ve just never made it clear. Forgive me for this. It’s still just my burden to bear. It’ll be mine and I’ll take it to my grave. Because I don’t want to be a mean, stupid, oblivious, selfish burden anymore.
Ahh, I really sound like a whiny little *****, don’t I?
I really don’t have anything to feel this way about. I’m so stupid.