I have been lurking in the shadows for a while. Have been reading and getting a feel for the site before making my first post. I am an attempt survivor and have regretted that success escaped me on many occasions! I have struggled with depression all of my life. Finally at 40, I was able to find a taste of happiness with an old flame. Everything was good for about a year of dating, so I decided to take the plunge and ask for her hand.
We were engaged after Thanksgiving of 2010, married in 11. Everything went south in early 12. Her daughter/ex did everything in their power to make our lives hell. She was having a very hard time with all that was going on. She would cry almost every night. I would hold and comfort her as best I could. During this time, she turned away from me in a lot of ways. It took a heavy toll on me and at some point, I started to break. I held on for 2 more years, but it just wasn’t getting any better. I always came in last place in her life. There is a lot more to the story, but you get the idea. In 14 I moved out (on her request) and we were divorced 2 months before our 4 year anniversary.
I have been struggling to cope with the enormous sense of loss. Even though I know it was a bad situation, I can’t help myself. I have tried counseling with little success. I find the pain unbearable during this time of year! I am a very quiet and reserved person, so meeting new people is extremely difficult for me. I fear that I am doomed to be alone. I had come to accept this before, but after the failed marriage, I am in a dark place. I think of ending my life again on almost a daily basis. I go to work, pay the bills, don’t drink/use drugs, but still can’t seem to find happiness in life.
I think I have rambled enough for a first post. Thanks for taking the time to read…
4 comments
Hi Vic03 .I’ve been hanging around here for a few weeks . It’s the only place I got people to talk to . Though I’m not sure why we tell all our secrets here to strangers .. Sometimes I think were asking for someone to say like – Yep your story is fucked up so It’s ok for you to suicide . Or – No – Your story don’t cut it – You live . . . You got a sense of loss I get it mate .My misses who I stuck with for 27 years just had enough of my Depression over the past 2 years and gave me the boot . I lost her and all my mates .. It’s been 6 months now maybe a bit more .. I attempted suicide a few weeks ago — Then I found these guys — I want to live forever but the fucking depression is getting on top of things lately .I’m digging a deep hole for myself … I kinda think That the depression is there and it plays a roll in destroying relationships weather it be family or friends .. Life sucks for some of us …. If your here for a shoulder to cry on or a hand to hold ..YOU WILL GET THAT HERE — But also If your looking for someone to wish ya well as your about to suicide and leave a life of hurt , You will get that too .. I came here after an attempt at suicide so I guess I’m still looking for a reason to live .. Let me know if you find what your looking for Vic ..
My husband and I split up two years ago, we have been together for 16 years – we have a daughter and he took her away from me because I tried to kill myself unsuccessfully. I have no family or friends and I live in a house with roommates who hate me– I have a very stressful job that I somehow manage to hold on to. I can’t keep my life together, i have a hard time doing any adult thing — registering my car feels like climbing Mount Everest.
Now the holidays are here and it will be the third year in a row I have spent them alone in my room curled up in my bed watching meaningless shows.
I drink too much and it’s starting to affect my health — sometimes I’ll drink bottles of NyQuil just to shut my brain off. I wish I had a huge supply of heroin.
I just always have a huge need to sleep if I’m not At work–
Anyways I am at my breaking point – I’m in the process of figuring out my plan. I guess my point is — I know how you feel and you are not alone.
I am sorry to hear of both of your losses (and all of the other poor sols on here)! I think the loss of the ones we love/loved is especially brutal this time of year. The isolation, being alone with our thoughts doesn’t help. I know I am not nice to myself. It is so hard to move on and not dwell, what happened, what went wrong, what could I have done different, etc??? I know it’s mute, but it consumes me almost daily. I can’t sleep and am always tired. I don’t want to work, but get up every day and go anyway. It is like torture to show up. Perhaps that’s why we go on with daily activities, because we feel the need to suffer? I have worked out a couple of plans, and have all of the tools necessary. I have spent many a night/day with a firearm, but have yet to use it. I guess there is a level of comfort in knowing that others share a similar struggle…
Hey guys – Just woke up 2 pm – As usual First thing I do is check back for stories and updates like this is the news channel or something . Saideejoi , Vic03 . It’s nuts right .. Saidejoi You say third Xmas in a row .Wow this year was my First birthday ever when I spent it alone , Not even a phone call .. I was crushed and now Christmas is going to be the same for me .. If I had a firearm vic I don’t think I’d be here right now as that sense of loss on top of the depression and the anxiety every waking hour just takes it toll . I have told my neighbour that I’ll look after his dogs over Xmas when he and his family go to Asia on a holiday. This will help me stay in the land of the living a few more weeks .. Give me time to see if things will get better or not .. Even as I type this I still am going over my plans to end my life in a part of my brain that won’t shut down .. It’s like My body has already made its own mind up .. I’m pretty sure that suicide will be my release from this pain as People just love to watch others suffer . I’ve said it before here – My family will watch from a distance and when It’s too late to help I bet they will be everywhere . Working on a funeral all crying for there loss . They will be straight onto a will to see what shit I left them .. ( which is nothing at all for my lot ) I’m going to leave my crap to a complete stranger who did nothing but treat me like a person . I am so pissed off at people and where I have found myself — How did this happen ?? Where is everybody ?? I’m sick of those two questions as there is NO answer for me .. Saidejoi – I drank heavy but now I couldn’t even be bothered pouring a drink . Yes is nice to know that I’m not alone in this hell – That some have it just as bad or worse . But WHY are we here at all .. I’ll see if I can go on . See if there is hope in the next month or so .. And I really hope so ..But if not I have no worries pulling the plug . I’m tired – Worn out from the constant thinking about nothing but death .. Maybe It was just meant to be .. Who knows ?? good luck – happy thoughts to you both .. MM