I am worthless. No, I am beneath worthless. I am less than useless; I cause more pain and suffering to every human being I know. I am the epitome of selfishness and greed. I am no more than the rotting flesh on my body. Not only am I a disgrace and utter disappointment; I am worse than that.
I have turned people against one another. I lied. I vowed to make peace, but instead, hypocrisy and cowardice tightened their grip around my throat. If only they would grip it tight enough to strangle me. Instead, I am living in this constantly shrinking reality.
I keep seeing things. I saw myself, but it wasn’t me. That doesn’t make sense. It was like a mirror, but the mirror showed who I really was, and there was no actual mirror there. I keep hearing things. People are fucking screaming in my head. It doesn’t make sense. Nobody is screaming, but I still hear it.
I want to laugh at myself. I want to set myself on a fucking guillotine and drop the blade, but stop it right before it hits my head. Everyone could sit and watch as I scream and cry and fear for my life. Then, when I finally start realizing that they’re not going to kill me, have them drop it all the way. Everyone would laugh. It’s all just a funny joke. “It’s just a prank, bro. It’s just a prank.” Haha, I really got me there. This is fucking hilarious.
You know what else would make me smile right now? To start cutting myself again. I should start myself back at square one, trash this past year, just bleed myself to death. I’ll even make sure to lock the bathroom door. They’ll never be able to save me in time. The nearest hospital is way too far away for them to save me in time. Haha, then I can go see all the dead people and we can all have a good laugh about this fucking joke. Just kidding. Haha, they’d probably hate me, too.
Or maybe, my family could just finally confess that I mean nothing to them and that I am a worthless, shitty mistake of a child that they never wanted nor intended to have. I am the reason everything has gone to shit. I am a selfish, worthless bastard and I mean nothing to anyone. One would think that no attachments to this existence would mean that it would be easier for me to just get rid of myself. Maybe if I weren’t such a GODDAMN COWARD then maybe I would FINALLY DO WHAT’S BEST FOR EVERYONE. But then again, then I might actually obtain some kind of worth, and I wouldn’t really be myself if that were the case, now would I?
4 comments
It can sometimes take a lot of courage just going from day to day. You’ve been on this forum for a few years and you continue moving forward. It might not seem like a lot but it can take a lot of effort. No matter what others think of you, your opinion of yourself is among the most important. There will always be people in life who try to put you down or hold you back. Sometimes proving your critics wrong not only silences them but helps you move forward. Don’t let anybody insult you and knock you down. As you move into your adult years, you’ll probably have more control over your surroundings. Those people who throw stones at you now might not have the opportunity to do so down the road. Prove them wrong.
I feel you, I’ve been suffering this miserable life for so long I hope for death, I’m a true failure and I know everyone around me knows it. People I meet tell me that I am and if they don’t say it they think it. If only I wasn’t such a coward I could end my pathetic life and be done, I’m thinking about a “Skydiving accident”. I hope somewhere, sometime we all find happiness, whether it’s in this life or in death.
Maybe you’re in a better place, mentally, than you think. There are people out there who are on auto-pilot all day, every day. They’re going through the motions and doing what’s expected and getting by. They’ll wake up in maybe 20 or 30 years or at the end of their life and wonder…what the fuck?? It’ll hit them in the head like a bowling ball and their life will slip slip slip slip away.
They haven’t considered the questions you pose. They haven’t taken a deep look at their life like you have with your insightful post here. They’ve heard the screaming in the head their whole life, but never asked who’s screaming? They haven’t considered that they’re worthless. If you can think you’re worthless and useless, believe it with calm certainty and not rage against that idea that’s a place of peace. It’s the starting point of building a life. Zen monks sit in meditation for decades to reach this state of NOTHINGNESS and some never achieve it. But.. you’re asking great insightful questions already. Hang in, keep questioning and listening.
One thing I have to admire about your post is that you seem to be very honest about what you think about yourself. I mean a lot of people have character flaws… but most people who have a bad character flaw really dont see it in themselves…. or they might be aware of it but they dont want to talk about it or acknowledge it. You just come right out and you seem to be fully aware of things that you perceive to be bad about your character and your brutally honest and forward about it. Well I have to say > if you know yourself so good like that then you also have the Ability TO CHANGE. See if there are aspects of who you are that you dont like > then start to work on changing those things. See when I was a child I was a Rude, hateful, conceited, mean person. But I was taught that at home so I didnt know any better. I actually in my heart thought I was normal and good. But later in life once I discovered that I was Rude and hateful and conceited and mean to people….. then that was when I decided that If I am aware of these character flaws > then I have the ability to change them. SO I did. I read all kind of self help books and spiritual books and learnt by reading those things that being that way is not good > so I worked on those issues and now I am the Opposite of those things. Now I am Polite, loving, caring, humble and kind to people. So let me tell you. You dont have to stay the way that you have been. Change is possible. In Fact Change is a HUGE part of life. Nobody is born with perfect character traits. We have to learn during the course of our life how we are > and decide what we want to be and then work towards changing the things we dont like about our old self and work towards becoming the person we want to be. I KNOW that you can do this.
I know that you could make BIG changes in your life and if you do > your life will get much better and you will eventually be proud of yourself that you changed yourself and grew as a person.
Id like to encourage you to make an effort to do that.