When you are at your lowest you find out who you are, when u reach down inside you find what’s left and you know who you are. What happens when you reach down and find nothing, when youre out of things to find and ur just too tired to even look anymore, does that not just make you nothing, I have looked inside and there is nothing left. If only there was no one left irl who cared, at least then I could just fade away in peace and content to know what should come next won’t hurt anyone. I am nothing, if only I could be truly nothing to everyone this would be easier.
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Proc, long time no see. It sucks that we are both back here; there was a time when I thought we both (especially you) had this thing beat.
Anyway, I know exactly what you mean about wishing you could just vanish and no one would ever notice. It’s ironic because that same feeling of being unnoticed is probably what pushes a lot of people toward suicide. But I think when it really comes time to do the deed, the feeling that nobody cares is probably the greatest motivator.
Are you sure there’s really nothing left inside? Just when I think there’s nothing left inside me, I realize I have an inexhaustible well of fury. Yay for me, that’s not exactly fun stuff to thrive on, but sometimes the good old-fashioned desire to crack the skulls of your enemies can get you through the day. Who knows, I might even have enough rage to crack some of your enemies’ skulls. Send me names & numbers. It’ll give me something to do.
Salt, bro I’ve missed your wise ass, sorry to see you here, guess we both thought the other had it beat, sorry I was wrong. I’m just so tired of having to reach down inside to find that last bit to keep me going, it feels like I’ve been taking that last bit for years, if there’s still anything left it’s damn small at this stage and I feel exhausted in my soul, I’ve passed just physical tiredness bro and I don’t know how to keep going. I know there are people who care, that stops me, I wish they didn’t, it would be so much easier. Despite knowing they care I feel so isolated and alone. Like a mime trapped inside a glass box, except the box is the me I project to the world, if that makes sense.
Lol I wish I even had anger inside anymore, but I purged that long ago, in the hopes it would give way to positive emotions, guess it gave way to a void.
At least one good thing came out of this, “seeing” you again bro
I totally get the image of the mime in a glass box projecting a false appearance to the world. That’s the best way anyone has ever put it.
When did it become a trap? Remember when it was fun fooling the world? I used to think I was so clever with my outward appearance hiding the opposite within. I have them all fooled, I used to say to myself laughing. And then one day I realized nobody cares what the inner me is like. And suddenly it wasn’t so fun fooling everyone.
@salt, yeah i remember when it was fun, i also remember when, just for that brief second you could convenience yourself that the happy you was the real you, only to have it crash down. And when you make that realisation that it isnt fun anymore you feel like a two bit whore curled up under a shower slowly getting colder as you realise just what a pathetic person you are.. ignorance is truely bliss
You are not nothing no matter how much you might wish you were. We have glimpsed the person behind your words all these years. You have people who care because you are someone. Because you matter.
Hey whispers, it’s been a while, how you doin? Perhaps the person behind the words was nothing but a shell, I just wish it wasn’t so exhausting being alive man.
How am I doing you ask. I’m still among the living. That’s about the best answer I can give atm. It is exhausting, isn’t it? But those good moments, even if few and far between, makes a difference. Glad to see you are still trying.
@whispers, i sometimes wonder is being among the living anything to celebrate. And those few moments merely seem tonserve as tormenting memories when im back where i belong. I dunno man, dont know how much longer i can go anymore, i came here angry when i first arived, i got rid of that in the hopes of improving, now im just exhausted and resigned, and that seems more dangerous than anything, at least some emotion i could work with
Procel you’re correct. It is when I stop feeling that I know I am at the most risk. That quiet acceptance that we are who we are and it is what it is, will get me in the end. And it might be today. Tomorrow. Next year. I just go moment to moment. Hour by hour on good days lol. Today is not a good day. But I have a curiosity to see what comes next. A need to help where I can. They keep me going. At least for this moment.