I am being consumed by darkness. I woke up this morning and I felt numb and like my body and mind has given up and did not want to move or do anything but lay in bed. I don’t even try to put on my mask when I get up today, the mask is too damaged and barely covers anything. I walk alone a lot. I am by myself mentally and even physically, I don’t surround myself with friends, I have lost a lot of friends because of my hospitalization and ultimately not being true friends. I tend to isolate, I don’t try to reach out or make new interactions anymore. I just want to be alone. Not always but I seem to like being alone because it that way there is no one to disappoint or get hurt by. I am an empty person. I walk around everyday just getting through the day. I am barely doing that now. I am doing a medical withdrawal from the semester of college because of all my absences throughout the year and that way I don’t walk around with an F on my transcript if I choose to go somewhere else or start over here again next semester. I am hopefully going to try again here next semester and then leave to be somewhere else by fall of 2017. I am not sure why I still am trying to be here or what my reasoning behind me even trying… I get angry because I don’t know and I am miserable just being here, but I haven’t reached a place mentally where if I attempt again I won’t ask for help again. I want to attempt and be successful, I am always getting afraid and then getting help. I am done suffering emotionally. I am walking around with a pain that is unbearable to handle. It’s like nails on the chalk board for me to still even be here. I sometimes think I am too weak to actually follow through with a suicide attempt. I feel weak and lifeless physically, I want to scream I am so frustrated just to still be here. I have been sick for two weeks now, I already feel like emotional shit so physically I feel like shit now too. I am stuck in a hard place. I am not sure what to do next or what to even to with myself. I am wasting space at this point just rotting away.
I feel so alone.