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by falling_soup

I am being consumed by darkness. I woke up this morning and I felt numb and like my body and mind has given up and did not want to move or do anything but lay in bed. I don’t even try to put on my mask when I get up today, the mask is too damaged and barely covers anything. I walk alone a lot. I am by myself mentally and even physically, I don’t surround myself with friends, I have lost a lot of friends because of my hospitalization and ultimately not being true friends. I tend to isolate, I don’t try to reach out or make new interactions anymore. I just want to be alone. Not always but I seem to like being alone because it that way there is no one to disappoint or get hurt by. I am an empty person. I walk around everyday just getting through the day. I am barely doing that now. I am doing a medical withdrawal from the semester of college because of all my absences throughout the year and that way I don’t walk around with an F on my transcript if I choose to go somewhere else or start over here again next semester. I am hopefully going to try again here next semester and then leave to be somewhere else by fall of 2017. I am not sure why I still am trying to be here or what my reasoning behind me even trying… I get angry because I don’t know and I am miserable just being here, but I haven’t reached a place mentally where if I attempt again I won’t ask for help again. I want to attempt and be successful, I am always getting afraid and then getting help. I am done suffering emotionally. I am walking around with a pain that is unbearable to handle. It’s like nails on the chalk board for me to still even be here.  I sometimes think I am too weak to actually follow through with a suicide attempt. I feel weak and lifeless physically, I want to scream I am so frustrated just to still be here. I have been sick for two weeks now, I already feel like emotional shit so physically I feel like shit now too. I am stuck in a hard place. I am not sure what to do next  or what to even to with myself. I am wasting space at this point just rotting away.

I feel so alone.

Love Always,


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1 comment

brokenandbent30 11/29/2016 - 7:21 pm

*HUGS* You’re stronger than you think. You’re just going through a bad time. I know it’s hard, but please try to push yourself out of the darkness. It will consume you and try to take you away from this life. Don’t let that happen. Take little steps. Wake up and get in the shower. Try working out if you can. It helps mentally. Get outside and go for a walk, take in nature. I know you don’t want to, but reach out to people. Have you ever seen a therapist? It helps to get you out more so you can make it to appointments. Talking to a therapist can help keep you grounded.

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