What the fuck happened?

So first off I’d like to say that it seems my life has gone to shit. Anyways, before January 13, 2016 I could walk, breath, easily move around, and use the restroom in an actual restroom instead of using a little a jug to piss in with someone looking at my junk and having to use an adult diaper to do the other. I’d like to add that before my surgery I had neurofibromotosis [look it up please] and scoliosis [spine looks like a damn C] my whole life [ about to be 18] but I could do what every other kid could do. The tumors on my spine started to grow, after 17 years being dormant, anyways because they grew it was affecting the way I was walking and made me use a cane. After falling multiple times I used a walker instead of the cane. Now before my surgery my self esteem was low, I thought myself a freak, and when in high school, girls would mentally toy with me. So before my surgery I contemplated suicide and self harmed, even came close to attempting by slitting my own throat. Anyway, surgery needed to be done [Jan 13] and there was a chance of me waking up paralyzed, which was what happened. During surgery the anesthesiologist let my blood pressure drop below 50 which made the situation worse and the doctors had to stop the procedure. Then they had to open me back up to finish on February 8, 2016, later that month I went into respiratory failure, my CO2 was 98 and at 100 you’re dead and if you’re lucky you’d be in a coma. A couple days before they noticed and a week and a half after I don’t remember anything. It’s been a slow process but a hard on because my mind set is worse. Each day I wake up I hate that I did wake up and would rather be dead. I can’t really do anything to kill myself, I have movement in my right arm and little movement in my other limbs but hardly any fine motor skills. My question is what the fucked happened?