I’ve gone and done it again. I’ve had another fucking emotional fit and my best friend who doesn’t even understand me thought I was angry at her. She said I made it about myself.
I guess I do talk about myself a lot for someone who fucking hates herself to no end. I guess I am awfully self-centered, even though I care about my friends.
Well I guess I lost two of my close friends now. Will I really cut them off this time or will I come crawling back begging for forgiveness? I just want to die, I’ve had enough of life’s fucking ups and downs with nothing but downs for me.
For the briefest moment, I thought I wouldn’t be scared of pain and I’d run to the kitchen and stab myself through the heart. Now that I’ve calmed down a bit the thought of metal piercing me scares me too much for me to try it.
If only I had a gun.
Why do I have to keep ruining my own god damn friendships with people? Why did my best friend never read my tone properly? Is it because it’s hard to tell how people are over texts or because she didn’t really understand me at all?
Now that I’ve gone and done it, will they even care to try contacting me? I’ve blocked them on Skype but not everything else. I wonder if they even cared about me in the first place.
I know I certainly don’t care about myself. I wonder how much it would hurt to shove a fork in an outlet.