December 26th, 2016by shatterediris

I’m actually very sad and disappointed…. I stay up all night on Christmas eve making cookies for people…. and then on Christmas I go to my father’s (my grandparent’s old house (they’re both dead now)) to drop off his cookies before going out to my sisters (didn’t want his cookies getting cold and possibly stale in the car) and then just go back to see my father afterwards (at about 5pm) because he wanted me there for dinner…. So that used up most of my gas…. now I am uncertain I even have enough gas to find my way to a gas station, not that that would help at all anyway…. Because I has no more money anymore, I was kind of very dependent on my father giving me maybe $20-40 this Sunday (yes I’m still dependent on him, and yes I do live in his house…. Alone, but still his house (mostly because he has two now)) which is normal, but nope he did not…. It may be because he gave me more money than usual last week…. Which was for Christmas shopping which I did manage to use all of it buying gifts for the required people…. -_- But now I can’t go anywhere this week which sucks…. I’m rather sad about that, so sad that I actually cried while driving home last night, and cried myself to sleep, and am still very close to crying right now…. I hardly ever cry and this worries me….

I won’t be able to see my friend this Wednesday now probably…. It’s my favorite person, and they’re in town until Thursday…. We had made plans to see each other on Wednesday before they had to leave…. They won’t be back for another 6 months at least…. They actually can’t guarantee coming back before next December…. So I may not have a chance to see them again physically for another year…. This rather upsets me that I ruined the chance to see them now…. I should have mentioned something to my father…. Probably should have made a comment about not having much gas left…. I was really hoping I would run out of gas on the drive home so I could call him about it…. but that would have probably just led to me being abandoned for the night (as he was probably sleeping)

I really wish I wasn’t dependent on him…. I would love to be a normal person who is able to actually make their own money…. I’m tired of being a worthless fuck…. I want to see my friend and buy them a nice gift for Christmas too -_- but now I can’t even see them. I am going to cut myself pre soon I know it…. I also canceled my appointment with my counselor this week because I can’t make it…. And didn’t schedule another one, so that probably now means that I’m done seeing him as I will never call him again to schedule another….. Always would just do that after the last one…. So hey I can start cutting again, without worrying that my counselor will be asking about it ^_^ so now I won’t have to either lie about or admit to it, so probably going to start it again…. It will help with this situation a bit I’m sure…. I’m surprised that I didn’t last night, but I was pre tired due to not sleeping for the few days past…. Wow this is rambling now.

I hope you are all having better days than I am.

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