Depression whips around and stares me in the eyes

Somehow, in the midst of all that emptiness and pills and loneliness and basically suicidal galore, it never struck me in that way.

I just thought I was a shitty university fresher who didn’t have what it took to be disciplined and independant.

A quick Google search yesterday shocked me as I mentally ticked off everything on the Depression Symptoms list.

Surely I should have known there was something wrong with my brain when I wasn’t the slightest bit interested in the guys at the university. I tried to convince myself that it was sort of an emotional regulation but it now runs more along the line of “loss of interest in things once pleasurable.”

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Last night I was feverishly hot with a sick and aching throat, and nightmares  trotted into my head and out again to be forgotten. They left their share of fearful shadows though and my heart is still palpitating and pounding with… what? Anxiety? I cannot tell.

Maybe it’s anxiety now. Or maybe it’s hope.

From one extreme to another. From hopelessness to a tension filled need to get up and do something.

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I need to visit the GP once I’m home.