Tonight i found the opposite of what i was seeking. Rather than death, i found life. I didn’t realize how many people were rallying behind me and definitely didn’t realize how many beautiful things i had become blind to over the years. Im terrified of living and i still haven’t forgotten why i came so close, but after so many times saying ” this is it”, i found myself making a list of all of the reasons i stayed. Yeah the world is shit. Yes my brain gets the best of me and sometimes i want to rip it out and throw it to the side. That being said, suicide clearly isn’t a viable answer for me.. I guess i just need to start looking for more things to love. So now I’m saying goodbye. But I’m saying it to the parts of me that keep dragging me down. I need to give change another shot.
Thank you guys for putting up with my rambling and bull shit.
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9 comments
Glad ya hung around.
I wrote a list of all the reasons to stay and It’s a blank page. Then I wrote a list of reasons to go and I’m onto my 2nd page..
I sincerely hope you find reasons to stay. Or at least find peace in one form or another
Same. I wrote why i should go and I’m on my second page too and i could only think of one reason to stay…. for my babies (my two dogs).
nothing to put up with, no rambling and never bs.
You are beautiful in your own distraught way and your words posts and comments never any less beautiful, not a single one of them is a moment in time wasted by reading
Thank you for your “ramblings and bs” Sammi, every last one of them
Thank you for giving yourself another chance and a shot at changes
Without darkness there can be no light, and light can always find a way
all of my best of best wishes hopes and dreams goes out to you, and for you to find the change you need and something good
a beautiful sunrise awaits in the horizon for you, I know that.
<3
You are so great. The day you go will be an absolute loss to the world.
Hey Sammi .. Truth is it’s bloody hard to kill ones self .. If it were easy This site wouldn’t be here and nor would any of us .. It’s a fine line between- Today is the day and having hope in the world. I think you have plenty to live for and I hope you have the strength to pull it off .. Good for you Sammi .. Have a loverly Christmas with your family and leave the crazy shit alone for a while ..
There have been a lot of inspiring posts on SP over the years. But this one cracks right thru the ole calcified heart and brightens things on a very personal level. I have a feeling your life is going to be pretty awesome from here on out.
Salt, I am glad you are still alive.
As terrible as most of us depressives think the world is, the truth is if you can stumble through life without being a complete shit, you will invariably run into people that wish you well.
You, my dear, are not a complete shit. You are nice and helpful. You are pretty wrapped up in your pain but you do listen to others. You can communicate. You make music Salt can appreciate. I think you know how to turn a phrase. What’s not to like about you?
That was a rhetorical question.
This post is a big deal. One of the first steps to walking away from depression is allowing yourself to see that there are people around you that care.
Many hugs!