I walked for 30 minutes to get to the place I was going to commit suicide at. I wrapped an extension chord around the tree, and then tied a blanket sheet around the extension chord, so a noose could dangle down from it. I had the noose tightly wrapped around my neck, with a perfect knot to constrict my jugulars…..but in the end…..I just couldn’t go though with it. I was visible from the road, because I wanted to make sure people could find my body. But instead, I stood there crying…head in noose, just hoping someone would stop me. Every cell in my brain was screaming “I DON’T WANT TO DIE!”, but if that were true, then why am I here? I’m not sure if I truly felt like I wanted to live, or if something deep inside my brain stem kicked me into survivor mode….but now I’m here, sitting in my room, thinking of an excuse I can to give my sister as to why I took her alcohol. Something tells me that “I needed it for liquid courage”, isn’t the way to go.
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8 comments
You’re pretty damn brave regardless. Glad you’re still with us.
Just because you could not do it…does not mean that you are not a brave soul. Being brave enough to kill yourself does not matter, it’s the choice and the resolve to make that choice that does. What I’m saying is… you made the better choice. I’m glad you decided to come back. You are brave simply for battling every day. I don’t know which part of you desired to live at the last moment, yourself or your human instinct to survive. I’m going to bet, it was both. There’s always something, even if it’s small and of no significance to others, there’s always something.
Thank goodness! I am so relieved!
I think that is the instinct we need to harness to get us through this stuff (depression etc.). Maybe that raw will to live gets obscured in our modern, confusing, exhausting world?
Thank you both. I felt like I was more determined than ever to kill myself today, but I still couldn’t do it. So that means I’ll probably never end up doing it. Even though I don’t think I’m going to post anymore suicidal things, I will still occasionally scroll through this site to help those in need.
It’s good that you didn’t do it. Jugular constriction is a bad way to go.
I’ve tried partial suspension hanging as well. I was hunched over with all my weight into the noose, but no matter what I did I just couldn’t pass out. Seriously I tried on multiple occasions and many tries per time. Once though my vision suddenly starting going like tv static, my legs went numb, and I started suddenly shaking uncontrollably. I barely got the noose off of my neck in time. Scary stuff, not peaceful like the fantasy of it.
FWIW, I’m damn glad you’re still here. You can still see hope. That takes bravery.
I got a feeling you just made your mom and sister’s day a lot better, even if they’ll never know.
one step further towards the horizon, well done man, good for you
hope you find enough to keep sticking around, and finds what lies ahead
and realize its not all doom and gloom, just because you think/feel your burden is heavy, doesn’t mean it have to be, nor does it mean you have to carry it alone. it doesn’t have to be insurmountable despite how things might appear.